spatch: (Rocket Man!)
LISA NOWAK GOES TO WAL-MART
By R. Noyes, age 32

INT. WAL-MART CHECKOUT COUNTER - DAY

(LISA NOWAK dumps the contents of her shopping basket on the checkout conveyor belt in front of the BORED TEENAGED CASHIER.)

TEENAGED CASHIER
(mumbling to himself as he scans each item)
Lessee... one wig... paira sunglasses... pepper spray... trench coat... steel mallet... 4-foot length of rubber tubing... Camper's Choice 4-inch folding knife... Lil' Oswald BB pistol... box of 30-gallon garbage bags... and one pack of Depends.

(The TEENAGED CASHIER finishes the order, looks over the items, and then stares dully at LISA NOWAK. There is an AWKWARD PAUSE.)

LISA NOWAK
(nervously glancing around)
Is there something wrong?

(The TEENAGED CASHIER sighs.)

LISA NOWAK
What?!

TEENAGED CASHIER
(perfunctorily)
Would-you-like-to-make-a-$1-donation-to-the-Helping-Hearts-Children's-Fund?

LISA NOWAK
(quickly)
No! No.

TEENAGED CASHIER
Then the total is $389.32.

(LISA NOWAK hands TEENAGED CASHIER a credit card. TEENAGED CASHIER stares dully at the credit card, then back at LISA NOWAK. There is another AWKWARD PAUSE as his eyes meet hers.)

LISA NOWAK
Oh god, now what?!

(The TEENAGED CASHIER sighs again.)

TEENAGED CASHIER
Credit or debit?

LISA NOWAK
Debit.


fin
spatch: (Carl Spackler)
IT'S THE 2004 MR. BELVEDERE REUNION SPECIAL

Streaks on the china never mattered before, who cared?
When you drop-kicked your jacket as you came thru the door, no one glared
But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared
All hands look out below, there's a change in the status quo
Gonna need all the help that we can get
According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival
And we just might live the good life yet!


INT. OWENS HOUSE - DAY

GEORGE OWENS: Hey, it's great to see the entire Owens clan back home for the holidays!

MARSHA OWENS: It certainly is wonderful. Even with all our adventures, we always seem to stick together as a family.

WESLEY OWENS: And speaking of adventures, remember when we had that English butler live with us for a while?

KEVIN OWENS: Yeah! Mr. B or something, wasn't he?

HEATHER OWENS: I think it was Mr. Belvedere.

KEVIN OWENS: Mr. Belvedere, yeah! Whatever happened to him?

GEORGE OWENS: Well, actually, he died a few years back.

KIDS: Oh.

(There is an AWKWARD SILENCE. FADEOUT.)

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