and now part 3193 in a helpful zillion-part series

[spatch]

HOW TO MAKE COFFEE THE MAD SPATCH WAY

1. Carefully pour several cups of water into your Whizbang Coffee Maker^TM's Water Receptacle.
2. Spill some water on the counter, but don't worry, that counter's super-absorbent!
3. Place #1 filter in the Whizbang Coffee Receptacle^TM.
4. Measure enough coffee into the Coffee Receptacle to your liking.

HELPFUL HINT
Many people do not know how much coffee to measure in order to get their coffee the way they like it. These are usually the same people who believe in the three-step measuring system, you know, the kind that has a "venti" thrown in to sound European and interesting. To help these poor unfortunate souls, we have devised a patented COFFEE SCOOP GUIDE that will take all the guesswork out of your rigorous coffee-measuring. To use it, simply look down the rows and choose the number of cups you need to make. Then follow that over to the column that best represents the kind of coffee you enjoy. The answer you'll find may not always be what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you neee-eeeed! Awwwww baby.



4. While measuring out the perfect amount, don't forget to spill some coffee on the counter, too, so the water doesn't get lonely.
5. Place Spiff-O-Carafe^TM in the protective Heating Element Disc^TM and turn the Maker-Activator Switch^TM to On^TM.
6. Wait about 25 minutes.
7. Wonder why the entire place hasn't been filled with the delicious aroma of fresh coffee yet.
8. Realize the toaster oven is plugged in, instead of the coffeemaker.
9. Pour contents of coffeemaker into toaster oven, switch on, and have a beautiful morning.

Comments

[rfreebern.livejournal.com]

Step 9 made me fall over. Thank you.

[gismonda.livejournal.com]

I'm printing this out for Dad. I watched mom give him instructions on how to make coffee in the coffeemaker a few weeks ago. I'm sure this will clear it all up for him! (I don't doubt mom's instructions, but more documentation is always good, right?)

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

I read that as "Spliff-O-Carafe", which I bet would make the whole process much less maddening.

[saint-buddha.livejournal.com]

Really, the measurement for the "Enough" portion of "Bleech! strength coffee should be "top o' the filter for ya!" but then that would be an actual measurement.

[archangelsk.livejournal.com]

I botched my 2d6 roll and came up with milk and cocoa powder but no sugar. BLECCH!

[tyopsqueene.livejournal.com]

I find steps 2 and 4 most effective in ensuring that The Boy makes coffee in the morning and not me. Also, since I've clearly been employing the Spatch Coffee-O-Measurer (TM) he likes to set it up the night before too, just to make sure I don't get anywhere near it.

Please may I print out the handy-dandy COFFEE SCOOP GUIDE, since he makes coffee like warm water and I like it black, black LIKE MY HEART?!?!?!?!?

[spatch]

Why not? Print away! I hope it makes up for the Corey Feldman heartbreak I inadvertently gave you earlier.

[tyopsqueene.livejournal.com]

Thank goodness for retrospective copyright permission. It's already pinned up above the coffee machine. :)

[cloudscout.livejournal.com]

Revisiting old humor is fun!

This still cracks me up.