spatch

Variety is reporting that David Yates, director of the last few Harry Potter films (honestly, was I the only one who really thought Alfonso Cuaron did a great job?) is "teaming up" with the BBC to make Doctor Who a movie.

Yippee! Zowie! The Doctor who is not Peter Cushing and his companions on the big screen! Let's read the article together, you and I, and thrill to the exciting developments to come!

Yates, who directed the last four Potter films, told Daily Variety that he is about to start work on developing a "Doctor Who" movie with Jane Tranter, head of L.A.-based BBC Worldwide Prods.

Okay, Jane Tranter worked with Russell T. Davies on the New Who. I took a liking to her after reading Davies' production diaries, if only because she had the common sense to turn down some of Russell's more embarrassingly bad ideas. Onward and let's get to the good parts like MAYBE IF K-9 WILL BE IN IT! I LIKE K-9!

"We're looking at writers now. We're going to spend two to three years to get it right," he said. "It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena."

Well that's a bit of a comedown. I never like hearing that an established series needs a "radical" kind of anything. And Doctor Who doesn't. Want to make an exciting and fun Doctor Who movie? Get Moffat to write, get Matt Smith and anybody who's around after the Christmas special. (I have yet to watch the second half of this season, by the way, and I've studiously avoided spoilers so I don't know anything that's happened since Spring) Have them run around for two hours thwarting alien menaces in a solidly-crafted story, and you'll have some damn good sci-fi. People are going to want to see the characters they know and love.

Maybe I'm overreacting just a little bit. Maybe I'm taking "radical transformation" out of proportion. Maybe all Yates really wants to do is change the theme tune, you know, put some heavy bass under it or something. Or maybe he'll make the Cybermen glow orange. Let's see.

Yates made clear that his movie adaptation would not follow on from the current TV series, but would take a completely fresh approach to the material.

"Russell T. Davies and then Steven Moffat have done their own transformations, which were fantastic, but we have to put that aside and start from scratch," he said.

wait

what

DOES THIS MEAN WE WON'T GET K-9?!

Now that's a pretty spectacular disappointment and specific to boot! Time was all someone had to do to irk the masses was say "Hey I'm making a movie of a favorite sci-fi/fantasy property" and we'd descend like howler monkeys (we are legion; we are hyperbolic) to cry "It won't be the same! It will suck!" More often than not we were vindicated. Hello, I, Robot. Other times really everyone was pleasantly surprised with how well it came out. Hello, Lord of the Rings. But David Yates here doesn't even set a "might not suck" bar. He simply kicks it to the ground with a Reboot implication. Yeah, don't think like he won't. Phrases like "completely fresh" and "start from scratch" are pretty damning.

Doctor Who is a British institution and beloved television show for decades, and there's one good reason why: It's constant even in the face of changes that would faze other television programs. Actors and actresses (including leads) come and go, show runners switch off, the TARDIS keeps looking different inside. It's a show all about change, but it's been constant in that change. It has built a robust universe with strong characters, recurring villains, and species who have been allowed to develop on their own as characters.

Doctor Who has become one grand epic story, and while some chapters have been better than others and okay, there might have been some slight fiddling with the canon, it's still an amazing work all around. A lot of really clever and talented people have worked hard on this story over the years and starting from scratch, doing away with their universe entirely, is an insult to their endeavors.

It seems to me that while Yates can cloak his intentions with "It's an artistic necessity! Honest!" what he really wants here is Michael Bay blockbuster grosses. Take a franchise that people have heard of, turn it into blow-up-real-good entertainment for the PG-13 demographic, then go swim in your Scrooge McDuck money bin. And there's nothing wrong with blow-up-real-good entertainment, but you don't have to ruin Doctor Who to do it.

I got a very nice phone call a few weeks back breaking the news to me that Stephen Moffat was stepping up as Doctor Who's show runner once Rusty Davies finally makes his step down. The call was made to me because the caller said of all the people she knew to make this announcement to, she wanted me to know if only to see what I'd eventually write. Then, of course, I didn't write, because it's been dang hard recently trying to actually sit down and type make words on screen without some form of interruption or distraction.

But Moffat taking over Davies' position? This can only be a good thing. This can only be a damned good thing. Even if, in four years' time, we're sitting around complaining of yet another formulaic Moffat script for Whoever-The-Doctor-Is-By-Then, the changeover will still have been a good and welcome one. I mean, at least Mr. M's formulaic tendencies don't run towards flatulent aliens camping it up, one-dimensional supporting characters, endless shots of crowds running outside and pointing at the imminent Threat Of The Week (or hugging with a hoorah once the threat has been neutralized) and "DO YU LIEK ME CHECK ONE [ ] YES [ ] NO [ ] OH GOD ANGST ANGST ANGST" soap opera bushwah.

Case in point: The most recent two-parter involving The Library (with capitals, yes). I'll say right off the bat this is good stuff, man, this is really good stuff. The second part was amazingly well done, and turned many conventions on their ear, conventions which I'd gotten quite tired of. I mean, let's compare what would have happened to this story had Russell T. Davies written it.

( Delve? Let's. )

Just saw this week's Doctor Who and you know, the episode was decent, all things considered, it had its moments, had some instances of human beings actually acting human, didn't feature any gratutitous kissing (at least, not involving Ten)...

...and then I saw the previews for next week before turning it off.

Oh god.

Oh god.

OH JOHN RINGO GOD NO.

I don't believe I've hollered "WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! NO!!" at my televised media display screen before with quite the fervor as I just did, and that includes the response to the concrete slab-fucker scene from a few seasons ago.

There's only one way this little premise could work and if what we see next week is not that way, I fear next week I will be hollering "RUSSELL T. DAVIES YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, DO YOU HEAR ME? OOPS NO, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD TO ME."

Sigh.

In my previous Doctor Who post, nathanw just commented:

We're 3 for 3 of season finales with nigh-infinite armies of hostile robots. Keep your eyes open for next year's robots of choice.

Yes! How astute! Rusty has demonstrated that he can indeed write cliffhangers that involve a nigh-infinite army of hostile robots.

What else can Rusty write?

1. Humongous crowds looking up at things in awe and surprise
2. Slightly less-humongous crowds running and screaming in terror as shit blows up around them (slightly less because we're on a budget, don't you know)
3. Campy villians who love to prance about and cackle maniacally
4. Touching montages of small clusters of people, friends or families, all huddled around their individual television sets or monitors, watching and waiting
5. Touching montages of the same clusters of people happily embracing or otherwise celebrating survival of some sort
   Though we will concede Rusty a small creative victory for writing one scene in which those small clusters of people get zotted out of existence instead. But that's a rare occurrence.

All right, but what can't Rusty write?

1. Women
2. Resolutions
3. Well.

This concludes the lesson for today. This may be on the test.

Would someone be so kind as to go back to "Alias Smith & Jones" and see if there was any sound effect playing when Martha Jones was trying to listen to Mr. Smith's heart?

Just wondering.



Tomorrow we may have a post-mortem.

If just ten seconds had been snipped from "Human Nature" it'd be in the running for the Best Freakin' Episode of the "New" Doctor Who So Far.







And I bet you can guess which ten seconds I'm referring to. can't guarantee spoiler-free comments, btw.

I am SO not going to talk about Evolution of the Daleks because honestly if I could go to New New New New New New New New York and get one of them Forget patches, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Ah, sweet bliss! Goodbye six-foot-three pink fleshy one-eyed monster with poorly-wriggling tentacles, hello reclaimed memory space that could be used for, oh, I don't know, memorizing UPC numbers! This bottle of chocolate milk is 75457 71100. Remember that. I know I am! Next time I think 75457 71100, I'm gonna think delicious chocolate milk!

( SPOIL-IF-Y! SPOIL-IF-Y!! )

To: Mr. Russell T. Davies
From: Mr. D. Spatchel, Esq.
Re: Love & Monsters

Just watched Gridlock.
All is forgiven.

S.

Oh, Doctor Who is here! Doctor Who is here! Hurray, hurray, Doctor Who is gonna fix it! Let's have a spoiler-FILLED almost-snarky talk about the first episode of S3! Which I liked! Hurray!

( Hello, I'm David Tennant, and this is my hair. )