i dunno, they just gave me this computer

Honestly, some days I'm not sure where in the hell these things come from. I think they just appear on my computer when I'm not looking. Or they hit me when I'm reading something else entirely.

Take, for example, this note of trivia from the IMDB:

With the schedule ballooning from 52 to 155 days, Steven Spielberg had to juggle Universal's impossible deadlines, an unfinished script, chaotic conditions off Martha's Vineyard and a belligerent actor in Robert Shaw. On the last day of shooting, Spielberg wore his most expensive clothes to deter a dunking from the mutinous crew. As soon as the shot was captured, he jumped in a speedboat and sped shoreward yelling, "I shall not return."

With that in mind, I present, from the mind who brought you Dead Ant Gut Hospital:

( STEVEN SPIELBERG GETS HORRIBLY AND IRONICALLY EATEN BY A SHARK )

useless phrases

There's a lot of useless phrases around us. So useless they can't even claim to be cliche. They're useless because they're used in an attempt to get us to take notice, but we've heard them so many times we know they don't mean nothin.

Take, for example, the fun phrase you hear every time you call an automated phone tree system.

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed."

Judging from the number of times I hear that in a day when making calls out, there must be a brisk business in Phone Tree Option Changing. Perhaps it's a career worth looking into. "Gentlemen, for the last two quarters now we've had callers pressing 1 for financial services, 2 for press inquiries, 3 for the company directory, and if they need an operator, to press zero or just stay on the line. Para espanol, oprimo numero quatro. But we cannot continue to produce the results our investors expect from us if we stay stagnant! We must have a phone tree shake-up!"

On the other hand, I've used the same bank for going on 6 years now, and every time they say "Our menu options have changed" and every time I just keep hitting the same numbers I always hit and I always end up hearing my balance, which is what I was calling for in the first place. Someday, however, I just know they're going to call my calling their bluff, and change their options around just to spite me, and I'll hit the same numbers I always hit and instead of hearing my balance, I'll have just transferred all my money to the bank president's offshore account.

Along with Menu Option Changer, another hot job must be Hotel Renovator. If you believe every hotel description you read online, every single goddamn hotel is "newly-renovated." Hotels are constantly being renovated in ad copy land. In fact, it's difficult to get a good night's sleep anywhere anymore, owing to the constant renovations going on, day and night. But hip hip hooray! That cockroach infested hovel you barely got two hours' sleep in last year is apparently now new and spiffy and shiny and comparable to the Savoy! (Hell, it was the Savoy!)

What other useless phrases do you enjoy on a daily basis, though you refuse to let them do what they were intended to do?

Dan Graubaskas should be eaten, horribly and ironically, by a shark

From El Glob:

Thursday, November 9, 2006
MBTA board approves fare hike for T, buses and light rail
By Mac Daniel, Globe Staff, and Andrew Ryan, Globe Correspondent

The MBTA board voted unanimously this afternoon to approve the T's second set of fare increases in three years despite the objections of Governor-elect Deval Patrick and Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino.

...

The increases, slated to take affect in January, are projected to bring in an additional $71 million a year as the MBTA tries to balance its budget after two years of shortfalls.

T officials acknowledge that the fare hikes will drive away an estimated 16.5 million passengers a year. The MBTA carries about 1.1 million passengers on an average workday.

Under the new fares, subway and trolley rides will go from $1.25 to $1.70, and bus fares from 90 cents to $1.25.

They unanimously voted for a fare hike, eh? After all that smoke-and-mirrors regarding "We'll think about hiking prices after we hear what the ridership has to say" and after the ridership spoke up and said "NO"?

Wow, talk about your world-shattering surprises right there.

Then again, after this week's Blue State Bonanza (like Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, the Fourth of July and 4/20 all rolled into one for the Democrats except Nevada, where there ain't gonna be no 4/20) I guess I should have expected some bad news to filter up eventually.

gratutitous plug

I dislike bumping my own posts or whatever, but I did write this one late last night and the original version wasn't as good as it could've been and I didn't really provide as much context as I'd have liked, so I've done a little editing to Steven Spielberg Gets Horribly And Ironically Eaten By A Shark.

I dunno why I did it, either the first time around or this time. But hey, it's out there.