IN MY NEXT FILM LEAR GOES FOR A STROLL WHILE GONERIL AND REGAN DISCUSS FEMINIST THEORY IN ALLEGORY

HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS THIS IS NOT DERSPATCHEL TODAY THIS IS AWARD-WINNING WRITER, TV MAKER, AND BIG SMARTY MAN JULIAN FELLOWES

DERSPATCHEL HAS KINDLY GIVEN ME SPACE ON THIS COMPUTER TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT OF GREAT IMPORT SO PLEASE PARDON THE CAPS AS I AM CURRENTLY WORKING ON SEASON 6 OF DOWNTON ABBEY WHICH IS SET TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS INTO THE FUTURE WHERE LOWER-CASE LETTERS HAVE BEEN ABOLISHED

SO TODAY I WISH TO THROW MY HAT INTO THE SHAKESPEARE MOVIE-MAKING RING AND I HEAR IT'S NOT DIFFICULT I MEAN ALL YOU DO IS GET SOME PEOPLE TOGETHER AND PUT COSTUMES ON THEM AND MAKE THEM SAY STUFF THIS GUY WROTE OVER THREE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. WELL THAT'S SIMPLE ENOUGH, I THROW PEOPLE TOGETHER AND PUT COSTUMES ON THEM AND MAKE THEM SAY STUFF ALL THE TIME, I'VE GOT THIS

BUT IT WOULDN'T BE AN EXTRA-SPECIAL JULIAN FELLOWES PRODUCTION WITHOUT TAKING THE CONVENTIONS OF THE GENRE AND TURNING THEM ON THEIR EAR, UNLESS THE CONVENTIONS INVOLVE EAR BALANCING WHICH IN THIS PLAY I AM HAPPY TO SAY THEY DO NOT

SO I AM ANNOUNCING MY NEW MOVIE WILL BE A TERRIFIC ADAPTATION OF MACBETH WHEREIN MACKERS AND THE MISSUS ACTUALLY MOVE AT THEIR OWN SPEED IN A DIFFERENT TIMELINE THAN THE REST OF THE CAST. THIS OF COURSE CAUSES ALL KINDS OF NEW CONFLICTS THAT MUSTY OLD BARD HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF, SUCH AS THE FACT THAT BANQUO NOW IS SO HARD TO KILL HE SHOWS UP AT THE FEAST BEFORE HIS GHOST

NOW THAT I THINK OF IT BANQUO IS A PRETTY TERRIBLE NAME, LET'S GO FOR THE UNDERGROUND CRED AND NAME HIM BANKSY FOR THIS

ALSO THE MISSUS DOESN'T DIE STRAIGHT AWAY INSTEAD SHE LINGERS FOR A GOOD EIGHT SCENES WITH A COUGH THAT GRADUALLY SOUNDS LIKE IT MAY BE GETTING WORSE WHILE THE REST OF THE CAST GATHER AROUND HER BEDSIDE LOOKING ALL CONCERNED AND STUFF AND ONE OF THE CHARACTERS I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT WHO YET WILL SAY "IF ONLY THE MEDICAL SCIENCES WERE AS ADVANCED AS THEY ARE TODAY AND/OR IF PEOPLE'S ATTITUDES TOWARDS CERTAIN BODY PARTS AND BODILY FUNCTIONS WERE MORE PROGRESSIVE, WE MAY HAVE HAD A SHOT AT SAVING HER"

THIS IS KNOWN IN MY SMARTY CIRCLES (I RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES WITH REAL SMART PEOPLE) AS BEING "DARK AND EDGY" AND BOY IT'S HIGH TIME SOMEONE CLOBBERED MACBETH WITH THE "DARK AND EDGY" STICK CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS THE STORY OF A COUPLE USURPING THE THRONE OF SCOTLAND AND THEN FEELING PRETTY TERRIBLE ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS SURE IS ONE HECK OF A LAUGH-A-MINUTE ROMANTIC COMEDY

SHUT UP I'M TOTALLY DOING THIS

THAT KIND OF TALK WON'T BRING MATTHEW BACK YOU LOUTS

THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS FINISHED





AND NO M'LADY WON'T SLEEPWALK AROUND THE CASTLE NAKED, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, ROMAN POLANSKI