ASK THE GUY WHO GETS ASKED THINGS

Today's letter comes from Mr. P. Paternoster from Fort Worth, Texas, who writes:

Dear Guy Who Gets Asked Things,

In the song "Charlie on the MTA", which is all about Charlie on the MTA, there's a verse about Charlie's wife giving him a sandwich every day when his train comes through the station. Why doesn't she just hand him a nickel so he can get off the train and be done with it?

Yours drooly,
P. Paternoster

Dear Pat,

The answer to this one is simple: Charlie the eternal subway rider and his train are caught in a trans-dimensional wormhole where time goes by a lot differently than it does here on our home planet. Thus, if Mrs. Charlie were to hand her husband a nickel this afternoon as the wormholed train comes a-rumbling through, Charlie would receive it in roughly 50,000 years--enough time for both the nickel to devaluate and the exit fare to be abolished, return, and get hiked up exponentially. Even if Mrs. Charlie (whose name is Sylvia, by the way, and she very kindly did not hang up on me today) were to deposit that nickel in an account at the Boston Five Cents Savings Bank, the interest accrued by the time Charlie receives the passbook would not be enough to cover the fare. Besides, the Five Cents Savings Bank was bought by Citizens Bank a long time ago and the account gets socked fifteen bucks every month. You do the math.

Signed,
The Guy Who Gets Asked Things

But, Guy Who Gets Asked Things,

Wouldn't this time dilation also mean that every sandwich Charlie's wife gives him arrives completely rotted and inedible?

P. (not Pat) Paternoster

Dear Pete,

Yes, but he's too nice a guy to say anything about it.

-TGWGAT




The Guy Who Gets Asked Things (right) is a six-time Battle of the Network Stars team captain and has many amusing stories about his Uncle Max.

OFFICIAL CAT BIDNISS

FROM THE OFFICE OF
Someone who just wanted to get a little work done

A PROCLAMATION.

WHEREAS the afternoon sun comes directly into the living room and the dining room, making such places broilingly hot; and

WHEREAS we made the wise decision of locating our offices on the northernish side of the house with a triple-decker next door; thereby keeping them away from direct sunlight

WE HEREBY PROCLAIM, PRONOUNCE, AND CERTIFY that

one _TYBALT AUTOLYCUS_, a.k.a. _THE EX-RUNT_, _THE RASCAL KING_, _THE KITTEN ITSELF_ and _DOOFUS_; and

one _HESTIA HERMIA_, a.k.a. _X THE UNKNOWN_, _LADY CAT_, _PESTIA_ and _NOBODY'S BUTTERFLY TODAY_

ARE HEREBY PERMITTED

__ACCESS TO THIS ONE GUY'S OFFICE__

UNDER THE STRICT PROVISIONS THAT THEY

Play By, Follow and Don't Mess Around with:

THE RULES
as set down by THE MANAGEMENT.

If youse guys want to stay in this nice, cool room, perfect for sleeping and being super quiet:

1. DO NOT CLIMB UP LEGS.
Even if you don't really mean it. Even if they're wearing long pants. If you want up on the chair, jump on the chair itself or ask politely. DO NOT attempt to SCALE THE VERTICAL HEIGHTS OF MT. LEGMORE. Too many attempts, O youth 'mid snow and ice, and you're out into the desert there under the harsh Tatooine suns.

2. DO NOT FREAK OUT AND RUN AROUND ALL CRAZY. To do so requires nice, long stretches of surface upon which to work up a good running speed, and WOULDN'T YOU KNOW the best place for that would be the HOT SALT FLATS out there under the harsh Tatooine suns to which you will be SUMMARILY DISPATCHED.


3. DO NOT FIGHT AND MEAN IT. Master Blaster rules Thudnerdome. Master Blaster knows sometimes kittens want to take a round or two in the Thudnerdome, AS LONG AS IT DON'T GET PERSONAL. Once it do get personal, and someone CRIES UNCLE, combatants must CEASE ALL FIGHTING YOU CHOWDAHEADS and COOL YUH JETS ALREDDY. Should HOSTILITIES CONTINUE, the combatant with whom Master Blaster is MOST DISPLEASED shall be BANISHED to the DINING ROOM WASTELAND under the harsh Tatooine suns and maybe we're overdoing it with the science-fiction here.


4. DON'T EAT ANYTHING YOU SHOULDN'T. The Management reserves the right and will do its utmost to remove from the floor WHATEVER IMPLEMENTS IT FINDS that YOU WEIRDOS might find APPETIZING. This includes but is not limited to
   • PLASTIC BAGS
   • PAPER BAGS
   • ANY OTHER BAG THERE IS
   • FOOD
   • NOT FOOD
   • ETC.
   Previous experience with PROPER MOOCHERS has reminded us that CATS are STUPID HUNGRY and will TRY TO CONSUME anything that looks like oh seriously cat what are you thinking that's caramel off a wrapper no Abbie you damn idjit just no.


5. ANYTHING ELSE THAT COMES UP AND YOU KNOW IT WILL BECAUSE CATS.

SO SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED, IT'S OURS ON THIS _EIGHTEENTH_ DAY OF _JUNE_, _2014_

_____what_____ T. AUTOLYCUS (cat)

___whatever___ HESTIA H. (cat)

______us______ THE PEOPLE. (people)

AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE CAN GO TO TOSHI STATION AND PICK UP SOME POWER CONVERTERS.