Michael Keaton knows how to chill the spine!

[spatch]

From Hollywood Bitchslap's Criticwatch Whores of 2005 article, showcasing the worst of the film industry blurbmeisters (check out the great bit on Earl "Just Write Anything And Put My Name On It" Dittman) I bring you:

The 25 Worst Quotes of the Year

25. “Beautiful, smart and imaginative…Aeon Flux is a really good movie.” (Aeon Flux) – Tom Maurstad, The Dallas Morning News

24. “Stripes is the Seabiscuit of all zebras!” (Racing Stripes) – Jim Ferguson

23. ”Not since Jerry Maguire has there been a date movie guaranteed to leave both sexes satisfied.” (Fever Pitch) - Matt Sullivan, In Touch Weekly

22. ”A splendiferous fantasy more imaginative than the new Star Wars.” (The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl In 3-D) - Kyle Smith, New York Post

21. “Brilliant! Like Psycho or The Shining, Hide and Seek keeps us on edge!” (Hide and Seek) - Michael Wilmington

20. “Even more fun than Babe.” (Racing Stripes) - Jeanne Wolf

19. “Even Hitchcock could not have done better.” (Dark Water) - Pete Hammond

18. “Ashlee Simpson shines as a punky aspiring singer-actress. The interplay between Carrie Fisher and Peter Weller is just delicious.” (Undiscovered) – US Weekly

17. “Bark if you love kids' movies that respect your intelligence.” (Because of Winn-Dixie) - Entertainment Weekly

16. ”The most sexually extreme mainstream rock movie ever!” (9 Songs) - Clark Collis, Blender

15. “Zathura is an intergalactic space word that means terrific.” (Zathura) - Joel Siegel

14. ”Michael Keaton knows how to chill the spine.” (White Noise) - Margaret A. McGurk, The Cincinnati Enquirer

13. “That rare meal that adolescent girls and their mothers will be able to agree on.” (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) - Ty Burr

12. “Forget what you think you know!” (Chicken Little) - Scott Mantz

11. “If you think you can figure out the ending...think again. Gather your friends...imaginary and otherwise...and go see this movie!” (Hide and Seek) - Guy Farris

10. ”The best zombie movie since Night of the Living Dead!” (Undead) - Dark Horizons

9. “Finally, a movie worthy of Dirk Pitt!” (Sahara) – Stephen Whitty, The Star Ledger

8. “Pure joy! Recaptures a time and place when people were more friendly, things were more positive, and life was more fun.” (House of D) - Rex Reed

7. “A wonderfull-of-fun film...Madagascar is Zooperlative.” (Madagascar) – Gene Shalit

6. “Thumbs up.” (Kids in America) - Roger Ebert

5. “Not since Alien has a movie held an audience in such relentless suspense and shock!” (The Cave) - Mark S. Allen

4. “Inside Deep Throat is a wickedly probing documentary” (Inside Deep Throat) – Peter Travers

3. “Steven Strait reminds me of a young Marlon Brando.” (Undiscovered) – Reel Talk

2. (5-WAY TIE FROM EARL DITTMAN)
“The best romantic comedy since 50 First Dates!” (Fever Pitch)
“The best thriller since Seven!” (Mindhunters)
“More incredible than The Incredibles.” (Robots)
“More electrifying than Die Hard!” (Hostage)
“The Exorcism of Emily Rose is a shocking, top-notch supernatural thriller unlike any you've seen before or will likely see again.” (The Exorcism of Emily Rose)

1. ”This is the scariest movie - ever!” (Boogeyman) – Phil Boatwright, The Movie Republic

Man, this is terrible stuff. Of course, it's not terrible just because most of the blurbs are glowy hyperbolic gush over mediocre or truly awful films. It's terrible because it's clear these guys are about as sincere as a used-car salesman -- which is appropriate, since they're peddling the same kinds of lemons.

Comments

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

*writhes in pain* Christ on a pogo stick!

[mknnohbdy.livejournal.com]

My brain pretty much exploded when I started reading.

As a note, your LJ Icon, is awesome.

"Buck up little camper, we'll tackle that slope together."

[dcart.livejournal.com]

I refuse to believe this is even real:
18. “Ashlee Simpson shines as a punky aspiring singer-actress. The interplay between Carrie Fisher and Peter Weller is just delicious.” (Undiscovered) – US Weekly

Nothing anyone can say or show me will change my mind. na na na, I can't hear you.

[spatch]

Aw, thanks.

"I could be drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid!"

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

(i liked robots)

[spatch]

Me too, actually. I enjoyed it quite a bit.

But so did Earl Dittman:

Let’s play a little game. Read the following quotes for the film Robots, and see if you can pick which one was used by the studio behind the film:

"Hysterical, ingenious and whimsical 'Robots' is an even more spectacular, computer-animated film than 'The Incredibles' ... In fact, the term 'brilliant' fails to accurately describe how wondrously witty and innovative 'Robot' [sic] really is ... a hilariously clever and breathlessly innovative work of computer-animated entertainment, 'Robots' is a visually stunning and wildly hilarious comedy for intelligent, humor-starved movie-goers ready to laugh themselves silly."-- Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines

"Magical, clever and innovative, 'Robots' is a hysterical comedy inhabited by a hilarious universe filled with the funniest and most witty group of mechanical 'bots you'll ever encounter ... If you thought the superheroes of 'The Incredibles' and the ocean-dwellers of 'Finding Nemo' were humorous, you haven't heard nothing yet. The side-splitting humor of the mechanical beings in 'Robots' is worthy of a capital 'H' ... Forget 'The Incredibles,' 'Robots' is one heck of a funny animated comedy ... 'Robots' is a hilariously awesome and breathlessly inventive work of entertaining animated brilliance"-- Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines

"The ultra-hilarious 'Robots' is so innovative and wily, it propels the animated action film to a whole new dimension ... it's a computer animated comedy like no other you've ever seen ... 'Robots' is an exciting and explosive technical marvel ... 'Robots' is a spectacular, eye-popping piece of master filmmaking... You can't afford to miss a single frame of this amazing, unforgettable animated classic."-- Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines

"A sharp, clever and entertaining animated adventure, 'Robots' is easily one of the most hilarious and smartest comedies since 'The Incredibles' ... Exciting, witty, outlandish and unconditionally hilarious, 'Robots' is a gut-busting and side-splitting animated hi-tech comedy that will keep you laughing from beginning to end ... You've never laughed this much at a movie before ... It's absolutely one of the most hysterical and heart-warming comedies ever conceived."-- Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines

Okay, can you pick which of those was the actual Earl Dittman quote that he supplied to the studios?

Whichever one you picked, you were right. Because Easy Earl Dittman supplied ALL of the above quotes to the studio.

The studio also wrote up "More incredible than The Incredibles!" and attributed it to Dittman too.

[semer.livejournal.com]

13. “That rare meal that adolescent girls and their mothers will be able to agree on.” (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) - Ty Burr


But I like that one...

[spatch]

But would you call it a "rare meal"?

(Ty Burr, he's a reviewer for the Boston Globe! A local boy makes good!)

[semer.livejournal.com]

See, this is the one time in which I actually identify with the implied food metaphor. My mother and I could never agree on things that related to food when I was in my mid-teens. I dunno if that's what he was going for, but hey, it spoke to me. :P

Keith

[(Anonymous)]

Dirk Pitt? Who the hell is Dirk Pitt? Sounds like the kind of thing you'd say while biting down on an improperly-pitted olive.

[doktor-tomorrow.livejournal.com]

heeheehee, "wickedly probing."

[zmook.livejournal.com]

The shining jewel of head-explodiferousness is “Bark if you love kids' movies that respect your intelligence.”

Just trying to read it catches me in a self-referential time-loop of horror.

[heliopsis.livejournal.com]

It makes me sad that Earl, whoever the hell he is, isn't smart enough to come up with "more incredible than the Incredibles" by himself. Surely that's the most obvious, feeble play on words imaginable; surely any drooling moron could come up with that unprompted. I imagine a conversation between Earl and the publicist:

Publicist: And how would you compare Robots to, say, The Incredibles?
Earl: I liked it lots! It was neat-o!
P: Thanks, but could you compare it to The Incredibles?
E: I liked it better! Zoom! The farting robot was funny.
P: Good, good, that was a comparison. Is there another way you could put that? You might say, "Robots was more…"
E: (drools)
P: More…
E: (sticks finger in nose, giggles)
P: Earl, pay attention! Robots is more what than The Incredibles?
E: (eyes wide, chin quivering) I'm sorry!
P: It's OK, Earl. Have a cookie. That's better. Now, would you say that Robots was more incredible than The Incredibles?
E: That's silly!
P: (breathing deeply) Yes, yes, Earl, it is a little silly, isn't it? But would you say it's also true?
E: Sure!
P: Thank you, you can go now.
E: Can I have another cookie?
P: No. Get out.

[she-parser.livejournal.com]

10. ”The best zombie movie since Night of the Living Dead!” (Undead) - Dark Horizons


Ow ow ow. This reviewer doesn't watch zombie movies. It probably took him five minutes to think of one that's he's heard of from somewhere, and came up with one that's almost forty years old.

I want to lock him in a room and force him to listen to me debate with myself the merits of Fast/Slow moving zombies and the overemphasis on brains that the "Return of" series is responsible for.

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

I actually agree with the Aeon Flux one - "really good movie" instead of "a triumph" or similar prevents it from being TOO gushing.