Phone Calls That Should Be Made But Probably Won't

[spatch]

Yes, hello? Is this the MBTA "If You See Something, Say Something" hotline?

Oh, good. Hi, listen, I can't speak very loudly, I'm on the train right now, Orange Line, heading north from Community College towards Sullivan Square.

I-- I can't see the train number, I'm sorry. Maybe if I move over to another seat at the next stop. But something strange is going on here that I think you guys should know about. There's a suspicious-looking man dressed all in black going around rummaging through people's bags. Well, it looks to me like he's approaching passengers and making them open their bags for him to go through.

No, I don't think he's taking anything from them, he's just-- well, he is like running like a stick of something over each bag too. I don't know what that could be. I mean, in this day and age, it could be anything, right? Like spores, or anthrax, or something.

Uh, six foot two, dressed all in black, I think he's even got a weapon with him. Yeah, it looks like a weapon. Some kind of truncheon looped in his belt.

A truncheon. It's, it's a club.

No, the kind you beat people with.

He's not using it, no. But he certainly looks threatening and intimidating. I don't think you'd want this guy coming near you if you were riding the train right now, and you certainly wouldn't want him going through your personal stuff. People don't look very comfortable right now. I don't want him going through my stuff, either, so that's why I'm calling you.

Yeah, he has "MBTA TRANSIT POLICE" written on his back, and-- wait, what?

You've got to be kidding me.

No, I have everything to be worried about. It's an invasion of privacy, that's what. We don't live in a country where people are randomly stopped on the street to have their belongings searched without probable cause.

Yes, I realize I'm on a train, not the street.

Private property doesn't enter into it, you're a public service, and--

Of course I'm innocent and I have nothing to hide. But I don't have to go round showing everybody the contents of my bag to prove it, now, do I?

No, no, wait, stop, I was asking a rhetorical question.

Uh, it's a question that doesn't require an actual answer.

To make a point, that's why.

Bothering you? I'm calling in a serious threat. Why aren't you taking this seriously? We've got rights as private citizens, you know.

Yes, I know you consider us second-class citizens, but we've got rights nonetheless.

Do you really think a terrorist is going to say "sure, check out my bag, here you go, hey whoops a bomb, how'd that get in here?"

Yes, that was another rhetorical question.

40 Ha-- wait, why do you want my address?

Thanks all the same, but I don't want a Dunkin Donuts gift card.

You're still not going to get it.

You can't do that and it wouldn't stand in a court of law and you know it. Besides, you can't keep track of your own trains, why should I believe you can track my phone through GPS?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?!

Well, same to you and sideways, besides. Uh, I gotta go, that guy's shoving his truncheon in my face.

Have a worse one. Jerk.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

Comments

[rabswom.livejournal.com]

You're kidding, right?

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

The T Police, they live inside of my head,
The T Police, they come to me in my bed...

Sorry, got nothing. You're within your rights to not submit to a search, but it usually means you're not gonna get to ride the subway, which really isn't an option.

[brak55.livejournal.com]

Well did he ever return, no he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (what a pity)
He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston
He's the man who never returned

[saint-buddha.livejournal.com]

There's a program on BBC3 called The Real Hustle which shows how con-men can steal your posessions. One of the segments show them dressed as security guards in a museum searching bags and stealling wallets. It was pretty slick.

[mhaille.livejournal.com]

Sounds like somebody's gearing up for a national campaign... ((insert muttered deprecations of pompadoured carpetbaggers here)).

Has Big Pharma come up with a cure for cynicism yet, or should I just stick with liquor?

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

It's wrong that this made me laugh out loud this morning.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

You should sent this to the Globe. With only a little editing I think they'd publish it...maybe take out the bit about rhetorical questions...

[kevin-church.livejournal.com]

If you've done nothing wrong
you've got nothing to fear
If you've something to hide
you shouldn't even be here

Long live us
the persuaded we
integral
collectively
to the whole project
it's brand new
conceived solely
to protect you

One world
One reason
Unchanging
One season

If you've done nothing wrong
you've got nothing to fear
If you've something to hide
you shouldn't even be here
You've had your chance
now we've got the mandate
If you've changed your mind
I'm afraid it's too late

[prog.livejournal.com]

What the hell? Mitt, dude, you can't scare people into voting Republican in Boston. It doesn't work here.

[ketzie.livejournal.com]

You might want to lock this post before you get labelled an enemy combatent, citizen.

[redtheblue.livejournal.com]

Forget flying. A jackboot on your throat is the safest way to travel.

[cloudscout.livejournal.com]

Am I the only one reminded of Bob Newhart?

*phweet*! Trademark police!

[qubertio.livejournal.com]

"If you see something, say something" is a registered trademark of the Metropolitan Transit Authority. Tsk, MBTA.

Even the Port Authority resorts to "if it looks suspicious, it is suspicious." Lame.

Fun fact, carrying a box cutter of an MTA vehicle nets a $350 fine and an arrest. Why yes, I did work in a Manhattan grocery store...