The Seinfeld Episode

[spatch]

Grog gave me a two-liter bottle of kosher Coca-Cola tonight. He's in the process of moving, and the step after "Make amends except when to do so would cause harm" is, of course, "Give away the contents of your refrigerator." It is his last bottle of kosher Coca-Cola, having squirrelled away a whole bushel-anna-peck since last Passover.

Kosher Coca-Cola is, of course, made with real cane sugar instead of corn syrup, just like treif Coca-Cola in years gone by. (Or in Europe. Your pick.) And, as you may have guessed, Coca-Cola with real cane sugar tastes so much better than the stuff made with corn syrup. It's smoother and sweeter and doesn't leave that high fructose "myeck" in your mouth. Those who have experienced the deliciousness of this stuff can only minimally stand the "actual" beverage. I mean, once you go kosher, you won't go back, fo' sure.

(You see what I did there? Yeah, I know. It won't happen again.)

At any rate, Grog's passing the last bottle on to me because he knows how much I like the stuff, too. I asked him where he got it, knowing that the stuff must be hard to find even in Stop & Shop, and he said "From a Jewish guy, of course! He knew where to go to get it, so he got me a lot."

We cracked it open and, to celebrate, had a small cup each. Pouring was extra-careful so as to not spill a single drop. We swirled the liquid in the glass half-facetiously, using all the fine skills of winetasting to savor the beverage. When later I picked up the bottle to take it home with me, it was slightly crimped, so I tried to open it and let the bottle resume its normal shape.

"What'd you do," I asked, "Screw the top on with a wrench?" This was an affront; Grog protested.

"I don't want it to go flat!"

And so it won't. It now sits in my fridge, a relic of utmost import. Doling out the beverage will be a holy rite, coinciding with a holiday or similar observance. At least until the next Passover. I mean, it's lifeblood, Jerry! Each delicious molecule of flavor granting an infusion of ichor to soothe the soul and tickle the palate. Oh yeah, it's good.

This strikes itself as secondary Seinfeldian to me. I mean, I could see Kramer and Newman in a B plot involving the last kosher Coke "made before the bottler's strike." They could either be hoarding the last bottle, sharing it between them in a Treasure of Sierra Madre style, or perhaps they embark on a crazy It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World-esque romp on a hunt for said bottle. The phrase "I know a guy who's got connections" would most likely be involved.

But only Kramer and Newman could do this. George and Jerry and/or Elaine could never have gotten away with this, oh no. It's not A plot-worthy. Jerry probably would be dealing with Grog's other problem, the problem of an unused, unwanted appliance which would invariably be left out on the street with a sign saying "IT WORKS." Of course the two plots would combine at the end -- maybe Kramer cleverly conceals the bottle in the minifridge on the curb, only to watch someone pick the fridge up and cart it off for themselves. ("Someone" here being a celebrity or former character ironically placed, or maybe just Crazy Joe Devola.) Then Jerry would do a riff on mini-fridges under the credits.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I could see it working. Or perhaps it's just the pure cane sugar talking, baby. Insert idiosyncratic bass riff here.

Comments

[earthling177.livejournal.com]

Hm. No matter how carefully I close the soda bottles, they always go flat in a few days, so I'd just find it in my heart to see that everyday is special somehow -- or the thing might just go flat anyway, and it'd be just like Elaine eating the 40-year old wedding cake.

And, in any case, your plot is no worse than the "sponge-worthy" plot and if I recall correctly, that was an A plot, no? ;-)

[lno.livejournal.com]

No matter how carefully I close the soda bottles, they always go flat in a few days

If you lay the opened-but-closed-again bottles on their side in the fridge, they will stay carbonated longer. The effect is lessened if there's not enough soda left to cover the bottle cap and prevent gas from escaping.

[aliiyf.livejournal.com]

Then you turn them upside-down, right? Eh, I always buy cans.

[minkrose]

Insert idiosyncratic bass riff here.

i knew the mother of the guy who used to write those. or at least, he helped with some of them. she was a friend of my mother's. needless to say, i think of that every time i see the show...

and i'm sorely tempted to see if I can get my hands on this stuff now. you'd think brookline would have it, though. I know JUST the person to ask about this, too.... *grin* i'm such a jew-dork sometimes.

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

And this is one of those times when I wish I had a matter-transfer beam. I'm working at the law firm today, and I just went to the staff kitchen to get a fork so I could eat my cheese pie.

They have two cases of European Coke made with cane sugar. What's more, it's European Coke made with cane sugar in heavy reusable glass bottles, which (at least over here) you hardly ever see anymore. And maybe it's all in our minds, but antiquated_tory, our friend Bill and I all think that glass-bottle Coke tastes just so much better.

And it stops hangovers just like that. It's a shame I can't reasonably send you any, but if I ever come to Boston I'll bring some.

[saint-buddha.livejournal.com]

You can still get Coke in a glass in Houghton, MI. At least, I could when I lived there three years ago. It was still in the scratched up recycled bottles too.

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

Hmmm.... They have Coke in glass bottles at the Pakistani store by kyotto's place. It never occurred to me to look closely at them, but they could well have cane sugar in them... This bears investigating.

[aussie-nyc.livejournal.com]

In a few short days I'll be in Cane Sugar Heaven, as Australia was recently renamed by the Coca Cola and Chocolate Milk Lovers Association of New York State*. Fear for my health.

* ie: me.

[gilana]

Kosher for Passover, that is. If coke weren't kosher, I'd be in biiiiiiig trouble.

I'll take you to the Butcherie with me this spring and we can stock up. Ah, those magic yellow caps!

[cheezdanish.livejournal.com]

I think that, if Jerry Seinfeld kept an LJ, it'd look just like yours, Spatch. :)

[muffyjo]

I am always so surprised by how much we suppliment the corn industry. Sure, the syrup is sweet, but sugar, I mean real sugar...it's so much nicer. It's got to be a story of economics and beets being harder to grow or something. No wonder I liked the Coke in England better. I hadn't thought of that.

Drink it in good heatlh!

[nathanjw]

Corn production is heavily subsidized and there are tarrifs on sugar imports, so it's fucked-up political economics, not natural economics. It's basically corporate welfare for Archer Daniels Midland.

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

dammit! economics makes me angry and makes corn cost more. :(

[pecosy.livejournal.com]

In quite a few little taquerias near me you can find glass bottles of coke with huge white labels proudly proclaiming "Hecho en Mexico" and containing cane sugar, even as cans of normal corn syrup coke sit right nearby. Always worth the extra dollar. Always.

[mykwud.livejournal.com]

you've just reminded me -- and , in the process, made me want to vomit -- thinking about this friendofafriend who's had this half-finished 2L Pepsi bottle in his fridge since '93 that he promises to chug if the Maple Leafs ever win the stanley cup. The caveat being that... every year they get kicked out of the playoffs, he adds something-else disgusting to the bottle. It currently contains cat food, grapes, bits of jerky, assorted (then-)fine wines, and numerous other unmentionables.