HUNGRY? JUST REACH FOR A CAN-O-WORMS

[spatch]

Happy 31st Nixon Resignation Day, everyone!

Now, this being the Internet and all, we have a few things we need to do before sundown: Everybody on this side, please take the time to make blindly vitriolic attacks on the dead guy, and be sure to corroborate your statements with observations on the current state of affairs today, especially our current commander-in-chief! Don't take no for an answer, people! Bring out your conspiracy theory too!

Now everybody on this side, kindly take the time to completely defend and uphold the man 100 percent, no matter what he did! Be sure and inform the rest of us that it's high treason to consider anything else! Spice things up with comparisons to more recent presidents, including that Arkansas Democrat you don't care too much for!

And -- hey, wait! No, you CAN'T COME TO A COMPROMISE! That's not the American Way! We have to have strict strict polarized lines here! No shades of gray! Only GOOD GUYS (us) and BAD GUYS (them) and never the twain shall meet. Someone doesn't agree with your political ideas? They're wrong and should be dragged out into the street and shot! Got it?! Get it! Good!!

Arguments flagging? Well, throw some more hot topics into the mix to push everybody's buttons. Yes, mention the war in Iraq! Yes, mention Whitewater! Yes, mention Karl Rove! Yes, use Hillary Clinton's name as an obscenity! Yes, throw in gay marriage and Intelligent Design as well, and you, yes you, don't forget to mention Chappaquiddick, because first and foremost, no matter what the political argument is, you just HAVE to let us all know ALL OVER AGAIN that you hate Ted Kennedy, even though he's got NOTHING to do with this!

Please also remember to, whenever possible, eschew historical fact or sociological context in favor of nearly witty sound bites and one-liners you heard from your favorite talk radio hosts.

Finally, you get 50 Topicality bonus points for working Peter Jennings' death into this somehow. You have five minutes. GO!

Comments

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

HILLARY CLINTON SUMMONED THE GHOST OF NIXON TO KILL PETER JENNINGS AT CHAPPAQUIDDICK WITH GALLONS OF IRAQI BLOOD-OIL FOR GEORGE BUSH!!!

Sorry, I panicked

[spatch]

You are a living, breathing Bloom County panel, you do know that, right?

[captain-slinky.livejournal.com]

If you need me, I'll be in the dandelion patch down at the meadow.

[loopfrog.livejournal.com]

Don't, i repeat: DO NOT, snort the dandelions. Whatever you do.

[cheezdanish.livejournal.com]

You are adorable.

BUT NIXON WAS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO BASTARD PUDDING POP THING.

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

CITIZEN?

[cheezdanish.livejournal.com]

THAT IS THE CORRECT WORD THANK YOU NANDA.

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

JUST DOIN' MY DUTY MA'AM

an american monster

[archangelsk.livejournal.com]

"I beat him like a mad dog with mange every time I got a chance, and I am proud of it. He was scum. Let there be no mistake in the history books about that. Richard Nixon was an evil man—evil in a way that only those who believe in the physical reality of the Devil can understand it. He was utterly without ethics or morals or any bedrock sense of decency. Nobody trusted him—except maybe the Stalinist Chinese, and honest historians will remember him mainly as a rat who kept scrambling to get back on the ship." [HST, of course.]

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

I was waiting for Hunter S. Thompson to put in an appearance.

[markm.livejournal.com]

Nixon was a bad man because he lied to America. Also, due to a mix-up at the airport, he was the only one who could go to China. He had a dog named Checkers but Checkers didn't go to China. Nixon was born in Yorba Linda a long time ago in the 1950's I think. Yorba Linda means Pretty Yorba. I do not know what Yorba means.

Nixon had to resign after he was impeached because of Watergate. Watergate means a scandil that happened near some water. Whenever you add gate to a word it makes it a scandil. Like when Greg took my chocolate bar at lunch it was called chocolategate.

P.S. i don't know if mix-up counts as one word or two words but if its two words then i wrote 113 words on my essaay. can i get extra credit?

[spatch]

B+ always remember to check your sources, Mark!

[hemlock-martini.livejournal.com]

MECHANIXON IS HERE NOW FOR TO KILL US ALL

Hahrrrroooo...

[loopfrog.livejournal.com]

[subbes]

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrubber baby buggy bumpers.

[muffyjo]

To be fair, Nixon was a perfect example of a 1950s American. He lived a double standard, believed everyone should be loyal to him because he had all the answers and would make everything alright, and he was absolutely convinced he was in charge.

The demonization seems kind of...well...as if we are shooting fish in a barrel. He was damn good at foreign policy. And to think that he was doing something that hadn't been done before nor has been done since is unrealistically naive. He just got caught.

Nawh, this is too easy a target. I can't say I supported his actions, but I can't attack him either. It's so old news. It's like picking on Jefferson for having slaves.

[bedfull-o-books.livejournal.com]

And don't forget, for all you Red Sox fans out there: Your points double if you start chanting "Yankees Suck" in the middle of it all.... :-P

[duchez.livejournal.com]

now I am left wondering if Nixon was a Yankees fan...

[spatch]

He had to decline an invitation to attend the Yankees' Hall of Fame Day in 1955.

I'm struck at how personal his letter comes off -- definitely not a form rejection and with a note of levity as well. There's charisma at work there, to be sure.

[violacat.livejournal.com]

Yes, throw in gay marriage and Intelligent Design as well, and you, yes you, don't forget to mention Chappaquiddick, because first and foremost, no matter what the political argument is, you just HAVE to let us all know ALL OVER AGAIN that you hate Ted Kennedy, even though he's got NOTHING to do with this!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Yes. "GLUB GLUB GLUB"?