he put eight great tomatoes in that little bitty can

[spatch]

Today is the 80th birthday of one Stan Freberg. If you do not know who Stan Freberg is you are probably here because you googled for "carol channing striptease" or something.

In honor of Mr. Freberg's birth, please enjoy a transcription I cut and pasted from some other website. (I actually had to correct one or two of the lines as I read it along. Sheesh!) It is one of the greatest skits performed on his short-lived 1960s radio series, featuring Stan Freberg as Stan Freberg, and Daws Butler, voice great, as Mr. Tweedly. I would add in more, including his incredibly anti-commercialist Green Chri$tma$, or any pieces from his wonderful Stan Freberg Presents the United States of America albums, but this will do just fine, especially considering how careful we must all be around language these days. For the benefit of the tiny tots, you know.

And please, as always, remember: Ray Bradbury never mentioned prunes in any of his stories.

ELDERLY MAN RIVER

Freberg: Well, it's great to be with you tonight. We have a ...

Tweedly: Pardon me Mr. Freberg, my name is Mr. Tweedly.

Freberg: Well, we all have our problems.

Tweedly: I'm the censor form the Citizens Radio Committee
and uh, I feel...

Freberg: You are from the Citizens Radio Committee?

Tweedly: Exactly what I said, yes. And I...

Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here.

Tweedly: I must OK all the material used on your program here,
and I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt
when I feel it's necessary.

Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something YOU
think is wrong?

Tweedly: Exactly, I'll just sound my little horn like this, <HONK!>
and then you stop and I'll tell you what's wrong.

Freberg: Somehow I can tell this is going to be one of those days.

Tweedly: You just go right ahead, Mr. Freberg. Don't mind me.

Freberg: Yeah, now I'd like to sing... <HONK!>

Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank You" Mr. Freberg, Politeness is
essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home,
we must be a good influence on children.

Freberg: I see uh... that's a nice little horn you have there,
thanks very much Mr. Tweedly.

Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure.

Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor of National
Mississippi River Boat Paddle Wheel week. ....

Freberg: Old Man Riv <HONK!> All right Tweedly, politeness I dig,
but what in the world is wrong with "Old Man River"?

Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation some of the more elderly
folks find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution
please.

Freberg: I suppose you insist?

Tweedly: Precisely.

Freberg: OK, music <HONK!>

Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank you".

Freberg: Thank you, Mr. Tweedly.

Tweedly: You're quite welcome I'm sure.

Freberg: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River, he must know
somethin' but he don't say nothin <HONK!> Now what, Tweedly?

Tweedly: The word "something" you left off the "g".

Freberg: But that's authentic, "somethin', somethin'," that's
the way people talk down there.

Tweedly: I'm sorry, the home is a classroom Mr. Freberg.

Freberg: I know you said that.

Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And further more, think back.
You'll recall you said, "but he don't say nothin", That was in
quote. Now really Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative. Do you mean
"he does say something"?

Freberg: No I just wasn't using my head I guess.

Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct.
Keeping in mind the tiny tots, you probably mean "he doesn't say
anything".

Freberg: I-I-I I suppose I mean that, I guess, all right fine,
you win, OK, Billy, music... <HONK!> Thank you! thank you.

Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure

Freberg: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River, he must know
something but he doesn't say anything he just keeps rollin' --uh --
rolling, he just keeps rolling along.

He don't <HONK!> doesn't plant taters -- potatoes, he doesn't plant
cotton -- cotting, and them, these, those, that plants them are soon forgotting,
but Elderly Man River, he just keeps rolling along...

Tweedly: Excellent

Freberg: "You and me,

<HONK!>

Freberg: The tiny tots again was it?

Tweedly: Exactly.

Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go.

You and I, we sweat <HONK!> perspire and strain... bodies all achin'
and racked with pain...

[well, we got by that one]

Tote that barge! Lift that bale! You get a little...

Take your finger off the button now, Mr. Tweedly.
We know when we're licked.

[end]

shamelessly ganked from http://lists.spunge.org/funny-bone/archive/msg00268.html

Comments

[annilita.livejournal.com]

Back when we had sirius radio I would listen to the golden age of radio channel and they played his stuff all the time. I don't think I ever heard this one, though.

[tablesaw]

Surely there's one classic Freeberg skit that won't take time to transcribe, excepting, of course, the counting.

[grumqa.livejournal.com]

I had no idea who he was, but that's pretty funny. I should find some to listen to.

[nolly.livejournal.com]

I recommend St. George and the Dragonet.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

I could have sworn that Something Wicked This Way Comes was about prunes.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

"What was that?"
"French horns."

[kyree.livejournal.com]

Rumble rumble rumble.
Mutiny mutiny mutiny.

[mschlock.livejournal.com]

We going out on that joke?
No, we do reprise of song first, that help. But not much, no.

[limax.livejournal.com]

I have two words to say to that:

Hee Hee!!!

[semer.livejournal.com]

We discover you on beach here!

Is all how you look at it.

[limax.livejournal.com]

Oh man... now there's a Freberg sketch I haven't heard before. I've got the copmilation CD of his singles, and I *think* I have The United States of America somewhere... but I haven't seen it in a VERY long time. Thank you for sharing that!

[coconuthead.livejournal.com]

Excellent. Thanks, Spatch!

I think my favorite of his was the one where he's interviewing a homeless guy (Daws) about his pet rat.

[off_coloratura]

GOD do I love this sketch. It is my favorite Freberg ever, and I am constantly quoting it to people who proceed to look at me funny.

Dear lord, it's like you said to yourself, "This week I will post in my journal about EVERY DAMN THING that Off-Coloratura loves."

Well, don't think I'm not grateful.

(BTW, I believe when Mr. Tweedly introduces himself he leaves off the "Mr.")

[spatch]

You are right, I'm sure.

[cursethedark.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. That one is GREAT. And Green Chri$tma$. And...hell, I could be here all day.

My favorites are definitely the Dragnet sketches, though.

"That's like saying there isn't any Easter Bunny."
"That's ANOTHER guy there ain't no of!"

[violacat.livejournal.com]

There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe? He's just saying that to make me feel bad?

[semer.livejournal.com]

Good think I'm going home Thursday to where the Freberg albums live. Now I got a hankerin...

[roody.livejournal.com]

One of my favorite things about Stan Freberg is that it was his son who was in that Encyclopedia Britannica commercial, where he's at a computer and the screen is showing the text from some Infocom game.

[spatch]

And Stan got to be the announcer in those ads.


REMEMBER HIM? HE HAD A REPORT DUE ON SPACE.