useless phrases

[spatch]

There's a lot of useless phrases around us. So useless they can't even claim to be cliche. They're useless because they're used in an attempt to get us to take notice, but we've heard them so many times we know they don't mean nothin.

Take, for example, the fun phrase you hear every time you call an automated phone tree system.

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed."

Judging from the number of times I hear that in a day when making calls out, there must be a brisk business in Phone Tree Option Changing. Perhaps it's a career worth looking into. "Gentlemen, for the last two quarters now we've had callers pressing 1 for financial services, 2 for press inquiries, 3 for the company directory, and if they need an operator, to press zero or just stay on the line. Para espanol, oprimo numero quatro. But we cannot continue to produce the results our investors expect from us if we stay stagnant! We must have a phone tree shake-up!"

On the other hand, I've used the same bank for going on 6 years now, and every time they say "Our menu options have changed" and every time I just keep hitting the same numbers I always hit and I always end up hearing my balance, which is what I was calling for in the first place. Someday, however, I just know they're going to call my calling their bluff, and change their options around just to spite me, and I'll hit the same numbers I always hit and instead of hearing my balance, I'll have just transferred all my money to the bank president's offshore account.

Along with Menu Option Changer, another hot job must be Hotel Renovator. If you believe every hotel description you read online, every single goddamn hotel is "newly-renovated." Hotels are constantly being renovated in ad copy land. In fact, it's difficult to get a good night's sleep anywhere anymore, owing to the constant renovations going on, day and night. But hip hip hooray! That cockroach infested hovel you barely got two hours' sleep in last year is apparently now new and spiffy and shiny and comparable to the Savoy! (Hell, it was the Savoy!)

What other useless phrases do you enjoy on a daily basis, though you refuse to let them do what they were intended to do?

Comments

[spatch]

I love when people finish their email with "Please advise."

Especially when it comes after a full laundry list of instructions and/or questions.

And by "love" I mean "totally loathe."

[stopword.livejournal.com]

My favorite is "Please let me know if you have any questions."

I am pretty sure it means "I know this is kind of a ridiculous, poorly-articulated request, so I'm going to state the obvious."

I'm also frequently tempted to answer: "Oh, I have some questions." With no other text.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

I am pretty sure it means "I know this is kind of a ridiculous, poorly-articulated request, so I'm going to state the obvious."

I don't think so, necessarily. I often use it to mean "I don't see how you could possibly misunderstand this, but clearly some of you people out there are idiots and I am the person who is going to have to deal with you, so I might as well give you my contact information now before you go complaining to everyone else in my department."

However, I usually phrase it as "Please contact me with any questions." This is short for "For the sake of everyone else you are tempted to annoy, please contact me with any questions." The phrase you despise is short for "Please let me know if you have any questions, so I can bang my head against a wall and mock you with friends and co-workers later." Ah diplomacy.

I'm also frequently tempted to answer: "Oh, I have some questions." With no other text.

If I were to respond to this, I would be tempted to write: "42." Whether or not I responded, I would chuckle.

[spatch]

I often use a variant on "let me know if you have any questions" when I do my Concierge email. Usually it starts the final paragraph, which comes after a litany of research or ticket options, so I phrase it as "If you have any questions regarding these options, if you would like me to book one of these on your behalf, or if I can be of any further assistance..."

In that context it is useful and can often lead to good customer feedback.

But when the phrase "Let me know if you have any questions" follows, say, a Managerial Edict that nobody's going to enjoy, it really loses its true meaning and becomes nothing but memoranda punctuation. The worst-case scenario would be something like:

Effective immediately, all employees must raise their hands and receive permission from the supervisor on duty to use the bathroom. Let me know if you have any questions.

And in that case, it's even more than mere punctuation; it's a full-fledged "And if you don't like it, go pound sand."

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

Context? What's that?

My favorite ending to Managerial Edicts is "We appreciate your cooperation." Especially when it's followed by an emoticon. I just LOOOOOOOVE emoticons!!1!! :D

[spatch]

And remember, Managerial Edicts are 1000% more authoritative when written in Comic Sans.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

I love Comic Sans. It proves that The Manager is either a fun-lovin' fella, in tune with the Word At The Water Cooler, or a Hip Happy Lady with a sense of what makes The Employees tick. I buy it EVERY TIME.

[gilana]

[spatch]

Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

[spatch]

Also, the more animated pieces of clipart you include in your memo, the more effective your employee outreach will be!

It's statistically proven!

[giantfightbot.livejournal.com]

No, the absolute best thing ever is to include three paragraphs of text in an attached Word document, forcing everyone to download 300k of your stupid message that could have just as easily been put in the actual message instead of forcing me to open Word or PowerPoint or whatever.

NOT THAT I AM BITTER ABOUT THIS.

My favorite thing lately is this one woman in the cafeteria who urges everyone to "Have a nice day," but in doing so she says "Have a nice daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" and sorta sings the last word nasally.

Often times it comes off as "Have a nice daaaaaaa--".

[rigel.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's statistically proven that, the more animated pieces of clipart you include in your memo, the more likely it'll fill my inbox and crash my e-mail program.

Not that that's happened at my current job. *cough*

[grumqa.livejournal.com]

I have a coworker who ended an email today with "For questions, contact $that_same_coworker."

I don't have any questions, and I'm not going to email you to get yours from you. In fact, you should probably answer your own questions on the subject before sending out what is intended to be informative email on the subject.

She does stuff like that all the time.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I'm afraid I am guilty of this one on a regular basis. (Though not nearly as often as "Please let me know if you have any questions. Thanks, chanaleh.")

But when I tack on "Please advise," it is secret code for "UM, JUST TO BE CLEAR, I WILL NEED SOME KIND OF USEFUL RESPONSE TO THIS KTHXBYE".

[ladivinafemme.livejournal.com]

My boss's boss ends his with "Respectfully." This in the same email in which he a) misspells my last name, b) refers to me in the 3rd person as the one who "will schedule a meeting for us."

F^cker.