Hmm.

[spatch]

What do you think? Too dark? I think it may be too dark.

THE POLICE OFFICER STATION SKETCH

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

(A WORRIED COUPLE enters the police station and addresses the COP behind the BOOKING DESK. There are TWO doors on either side of the COP.)

MR. GUNDERSON
(frantic)
Officer? We're here to report a missing girl!

MRS. GUNDERSON
You've got to help us!

COP
A missing girl, huh? What's her name?

MRS. GUNDERSON
Ashley Gunderson.

MR. GUNDERSON
She disappeared from our backyard in Belmont five hours ago. Please help, she's only seven and a half!

BOOKING COP
(writing on notepad and gesturing)
Seven and a half, huh? Please go through the door on my right. Officer Winston will be able to help you.

MRS. GUNDERSON
Thank you, Officer.

MR. GUNDERSON
Yes, thank you!

(The COUPLE goes through the door on the COP'S right.)


INT. POLICE STATION ROOM 2 - DAY

(OFFICER WINSTON sits at a desk. There are TWO DOORS on either side.)

OFFICER WINSTON
Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson. You're here to report a missing girl under the age of 10?

MRS. GUNDERSON
Yes, we are.

OFFICER WINSTON
Is she Caucasian, like yourselves?

MRS. GUNDERSON
Well, of course.

OFFICER WINSTON
(writing on notepad and gesturing)
Then please go through the door on my right. Officer Peters will take care of you. And... good luck.

(The COUPLE goes through the door on the COP'S right.)


INT. POLICE STATION ROOM 3 - DAY

(OFFICER PETERS is at his desk behind a computer. There are THREE DOORS behind him.)

OFFICER PETERS
So. Gundersons. Missing white girl under the age of 7, name of Ashley?

MR. GUNDERSON
Yes!

OFFICER PETERS
Does Ashley have any distinguishing characteristics we should be aware of?

MRS. GUNDERSON
Well, she's just about four feet, has long blonde hair...

OFFICER PETERS
(tapping on computer)
Long blonde hair? Door on my right, if you please. And don't worry, folks, all the boys at the station are pulling for you on this one.

(The COUPLE walks through the door on the right and into...)


EXT. BACK OF POLICE STATION - DAY

(We stand at the back of a large CROWD OF REPORTERS and watch the COUPLE as they walk onto a loading dock and find themselves standing, bewildered, between a UNIFORMED COP and the CHIEF OF POLICE, who is behind a PODIUM. All the REPORTERS are waving their microphones at the CHIEF. In the FOREGROUND are THREE REPORTERS, each one facing us and reciting their news stories near-simultaneously.)

REPORTER 1
As the search for young Ashley Gunderson enters its fifth minute, investigators are scrambling for leads, but they are still steadfast in their confidence that they will find the young girl from Belmont...

REPORTER 2
...while authorities at this time have not released the details of young Ashley's disappearance, her frantic parents are hoping, beyond hope, that the unthinkable… has not yet happened...

REPORTER 3
...and what will this mean for the Dems' chances in 08? For that, we go to our Campaign 08 coverage headquarters and Sam Wilson. Sam?

POLICE CHIEF
(silencing reporters)
All right, people, we have a statement to make, if you'll just quiet down a bit... thank you. At this time we have no definite suspects in the Gunderson investigation, but I wanted to make it absolutely clear that we will not rest until all our resources have been exhausted, the girl has been safely recovered and those responsible have been brought to justice. Additionally, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson, we'd all like to let you know that the thoughts and prayers of the entire community are with you in your time of need. Now. Are there any questions?

(There is a FRENZY of MICROPHONE waving and QUESTION hollering. MRS. GUNDERSON turns to the UNIFORMED COP in the midst of all this hullabaloo.)

MRS. GUNDERSON
(to UNIFORMED COP)
Gee, we must have walked through three doors back there. What if we'd been told to go through any other door?

UNIFORMED COP
Oh, all those other doors go to a different department, ma'am.

MRS. GUNDERSON
Oh.


CUT TO

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

(A cramped, dingy, darkened office full of overstuffed filing cabinets. POLAROID PICTURES are taped to nearly every vertical surface. Two INEFFECTUAL-TYPE COPS fight for space behind a single dingy desk, speaking to TWO CONCERNED PARENTS who obviously don't have a white, blonde daughter missing.)

COP 1
Don't worry, sir and madam, we'll find your son.

MOTHER
Daughter.

COP 1
(scribbling on notepad, then consulting sheet)
Oh, right. Daughter. Important thing to remember. Uh, next step: Got any recent pictures of the child?

DAD
Yes.

(The CONCERNED DAD hands COP 1 a POLAROID.)

COP 1
(handing the POLAROID to COP 2.)
Okay, terrific. We'll take it from here.

COP 2
(sticking POLAROID to wall)
It'll be a while, though, we're kinda backlogged. That okay with you?


BLACKOUT

Comments

[kevin-church.livejournal.com]

Not dark enough.

[marphod.livejournal.com]

Not nearly scathingly dark enough.

[bismuthobsidian.livejournal.com]

You have to pay me now to NOT show this to my Uncle. He is has been a police sergeant in Belmont for 40 years. "Mwahahahaha"...Ahem.

[spatch]

Belmont, NORTH DAKOTA?

cause that's where this sketch takes place.
Like, in. North Dakota. Or something.

[gismonda.livejournal.com]

There are television reporters in North Dakota?

[spatch]

I dunno, I thought that's where they grow 'em, work with me here

[gismonda.livejournal.com]

Oh! Yes! I am maybe just getting senile in my old age.

Now that you mention it, when I was a young lass, I spent summers weeding out volunteer potatoes and sunflowers from whole fields of television reporters.

The fields of organically grown reporters were more difficult to work in (more weeds & volunteer sprouts, tendency of rogue reporters to wander off to report for Pacifica or Indymedia) but much less creepy than the Monsanto / Cargill fields full of bioengineered clones.

Ok I am done.

[ron_newman]

I also thought you were picking on our neighboring suburb for some reason. I suppose you could have used Springfield....

[spatch]

i am conducting a ruse ssh it's secret don't let that bismuthy person know

[bismuthobsidian.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am right here...

You could have the little girl present in the scene as a reporter or something. Make the whole thing more silly than scary. I can't decide if this would help get the point across or distract.

[spatch]

Dude, I am right here...

Oh nos, found out! Quick, burn the evidence! BURN IT ALL DOWN!!

I mean, what?

[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I think it treats the media as primarily consumers of the police department's differential response, and I feel like it would be. . . more. . . what it wants to be if the media were more clearly also partially authors of the differential response.

[spatch]

True enough. It really is the media what perpetuates this, and I am reasonably sure the police don't really make such priority calls when it comes to missing kids.

Perhaps the last scene doesn't consist of two ineffectual cops, but one indymedia reporter and a blogger who can't keep the details right.

[nolly.livejournal.com]

Is this a comment on recent events in your part of the country? (or some other?) The police and media here seem to make about the same amount of noise for missing children, regardless of gender or skin color. (Most of the last several missing-child cases I can think of involved non-white, non-blond boys.)

[curtisp.livejournal.com]

Frakin hilarious. You are the man!

[pecosy.livejournal.com]

No too dark at all.

The town being Belmont threw me, since the Belmont here in California has been making headlines (locally, at least) for trying to ban smoking outdoors, in your car, in your own home or apratment if you're not the owner.