PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM YOUR ROOSTER

[spatch]

What fresh hell is this in my inbox?

To: Spatch
From: The Twitter mailing list you didn't realize you'd been placed on even though you opted out of anything and everything when you created your account to grab the username
Subject: i had jello today hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hello Twitter-ers!

Does today seem shorter to you? Yesterday was the Summer Solstice
which means it was the longest day of the year for us Northern
Hemisphere dwellers. It also means summer is officially upon us.
Twitter is ready for your summertime updates. What are you doing?
Visit URL WENT HERE BUT LJ KEEPS PARSING IT AS A LINK STOP THAT AND GIVE ME BACK MY GODDAMN TOP NAV BAR ALREADY and answer!

Good jumpin jellybeans, but it looks as if someone got their Newsletter degree from the School of Scholastic Children's Magazine Blurb Writing. It also feels as if Twitter is trying to talk down to me here, but they're not doing a very good job of it. THIS is how you write a Scholastic Children's Magazine blurb, guys:

Hey there, hot doggers! Are you beginning to feel a bit chilly? Did you just see a snowflake fall? That's because winter's on the way and when that happens, things on our side of the world begin to turn cold! Don't worry, it won't be cold forever. It will warm back up in the spring. But in the meantime, think of all the fun things you can do in the winter. How do you have winter fun? Do you make snow angels? Do you drink hot cocoa? Or does your family live where there isn't any snow? What do you do then? Write to us at HOT DOG! and let us know! If we print your letter, you will receive a free HOT DOG! pin. So put on those mittens and start writing!

There we go. I should've been in publishing twenty-five years ago. Interviewing Marty Ingels on his role as the voice of the cartoon Pac-Man was my birthright, goddammit! I swear!

Now it's off to log in to that infernal fad machine and figure out how to be removed from this rooster.

Comments

[slit.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. Hot Dog!

[spatch]

And after HOT DOG! you graduated to DYNAMITE! which was like Tiger Beat for the Book Orders set.

I was a proud member of the Book Orders set, too. Those little quarterly pamphlets with their sidebar order checklist got my 4th grade blood pumping like nothing else. Well, except for maybe a "Free Time on the Computer" reward.

[lakilika.livejournal.com]

Man, Tiger Beat is so awesome.

[amandaruth2001.livejournal.com]

I was always a sucker for the free poster featuring a small furry animal of some sort.

[cropherb.livejournal.com]

Dynamite was the bestest magazine ever. I remember I hung on to *all* my 70s back issues for a surprisingly long time. Not long enough to still have them today, however, which is a shame. Among others, I distinctly remember a Tony Orlando and cover, along with John Travolta in the "Welcome Back, Kotter" days, sporting a blue denim work shirt and long feathered hair.

Now I'm just recalling how feverishly I anticipated each new issue, and it occurs to me that Dynamite was really my first introduction to how to be a pop culture obsessive.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

*Considers adding, just to piss him off*

[cropherb.livejournal.com]

"Considers?" I just went ahead and did it. Only action gets results, my friend.

[invisibelle.livejournal.com]

"Don't worry, it won't be cold forever. It will warm back up in the spring."

Haha. Oh, Spatch. You're so full of wonderful.

[ron_newman]

At least you didn't get a newsletter from Evite.com listing Yom Kippur as a "Reason to Party" in October.

[glowkitty]

At least their unsubscribe link is efficient. You don't even have to remind them what your e-mail address is!