gee, unca sam, how come folks ain't votin like they used to?

[spatch]

I HATE PARTISAN POLITICS.

Go ahead. Just try to defend it. Please.

Try to explain to me why a bunch of schoolyard babies taking sides and flinging crap at each other is a great way to run a country.

Try to convince me that it's good that we have this "If you ain't for us, you're agin us" mentality which drives people to vandalize private property and hate their neighbors.

Tell me that it's really beneficial to have the ability to castigate and demonize one person for lying under oath because you don't like him, but that when someone you like lies under oath, it's okay and he should be freed and to hell with anyone who thinks otherwise.

And while you're at it, piss on this electric fence.

I wish I could run for President. I wouldn't be old enough in '08, but you can bet your bottom dollar that if we haven't been reduced to rubble and glass and these games are still happening in 2012, I'll be all over it like a donkey eating a waffle.

I'd base my platform on the time-honored nihilistic philosophies of Groucho Marx, using such platitudes as "Whatever it is, I'm against it" and "If someone is caught taking graft and I don't get my share, I'll line 'em up against the wall and pop goes the weasel!" I would run attack ads against myself, as well as ads that feature nothing but puppies and kittens and American flags.

When queried on my lack of experience, my response will be "That's never stopped anyone yet." In answering debate questions, I would invoke the words of 80s power ballads to make my points. "When it comes to my views on domestic policy, I think Steve Perry said it best when he said that they say that the road is no place to start a family."

I will openly state that I will make political decisions based on which public interest group sends me the most money. Oh, sure, it's illegal, but again it's never stopped anyone yet. Might as well just get it out into the open rather than hide behind a cloak of self-righteous indignation. I will appoint cats to my cabinet. Mr. Whiskers here will be my Secretary of State, and while he lacks the political finesse of Henry Kissinger, he certainly is a cute widdo feller who I know will just charm the pants off any foreign ambassadors he has to negotiate with. I will sign the bill that makes "More Rock, Less Talk" the law of the land.

I want to make a mockery out of everything those polarized blowhards and their faux-noble attitudes consider sacrosanct. Not just because it's worth a few laffs and every election has a comedian or eighty who try to do this, but simply because ANYTHING is better than this mess we've got, and frankly, this is far more personally satisfying than Refusing To Vote or Voting None Of The Above.

Comments

[resk.livejournal.com]

"I would never be part of a club that would have me as a member."

[spatch]

And, famously, when writing an anti-semetic Beverly Hills country club which barred his family from using the pool, "My daughter is only half-Jewish. How about she go in up to her waist?"

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

I will appoint cats to my cabinet. Mr. Whiskers here will be my Secretary of State, and while he lacks the political finesse of Henry Kissinger, he certainly is a cute widdo feller who I know will just charm the pants off any foreign ambassadors he has to negotiate with.

Of course, then he's going to have to start getting $400 haircuts.

[slakko.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but I could only really give you the nod for veep.
Lore-Spatch 2012!

[28bytes.livejournal.com]

Abortions for all!

[mhaille.livejournal.com]

Let me know when you start up the campaign fund.

[muse0fire.livejournal.com]

Miss Ariel would like to be appointed Secretary of Naps and Snuggling, as long as you're making appointments. She's willing to bribe you with affection and purrs.

And I'm with you. Our entire system needs to be wiped out and re-installed with a totally new OS.

Stewart/Colbert '08!

[lediva.livejournal.com]

I would run attack ads against myself, as well as ads that feature nothing but puppies and kittens and American flags.

Don't forget ads that feature nothing but you staring angrily at the screen for a minute and a half before picking up a large rock and tossing it into a nearby lake.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

"When it comes to my views on domestic policy, I think Steve Perry said it best when he said that they say that the road is no place to start a family."

I think I would vote for you on this statement alone.

[maga-dogg.livejournal.com]

The Monster Raving Loony Party could always do with a US chapter.

[spatch]

I would be honored to continue the good works of the late Screaming Lord Sutch.

Maybe with a little bit of Lord Buckley thrown in for good measure.

[jimmystagger.livejournal.com]

The Revolutionary Communist Party, USA (those people you see in Harvard Square) are lead by a guy they called Chairman Bob...but I don't think they're doing it for laughs.


I find it hysterical though, all hail Chairman Bob.

[spatch]

I still enjoy my Colonel Guevara icon. The revolution will involve a secret blend of seven herbs and spices!

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

Even weirder: the British Revolutionary Communist Party (which is not the same organization) eventually turned into a radical libertarian outfit and now goes around bashing environmentalists.

[stankow.livejournal.com]

Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

[jotasbrane.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Mr. Spatch. But I insist on Less Rock, More Talk. Unless you revise your platform, I fear that I may be forced to vote for the alternate Looney.

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

I hate it too but have reluctantly concluded that it is the tool available. I tried for so many years (especially after the 2001 attacks made me *want* to believe we were all on the same side) to be Mr. Reasonable, above the fray, judging political crises in an evenhanded manner and criticizing people on My Side when warranted.

As far as I can tell, what this kind of behavior on the part of American liberals has gotten us is rule by extraordinarily nakedly criminal goons who have no compunctions whatsoever about denying us the same courtesy; who started a useless and inept war that has killed hundreds of thousands of innocents, turned the Justice Department into a device for taking out Democrats, and fiddled while a major American city was physically destroyed, giving an excuse so transparently bogus that I could personally refute it by linking to my own LiveJournal from a few days earlier. At some point the pile of dead bodies gets big enough to tell you that you've made a tactical error.

Under the circumstances, I figure it's the time for partisanship; while many Democrats are feckless and far from ideal, and I have no illusions that they'll give me the kind of government I want on a silver platter, as a first approximation "The US Republican Party must be eliminated" strikes me as an adequate near-term rallying cry.

[jicama]

Yep. It seems to me that a couple of decades back the Republican Party had not yet completely devolved into the blatant kleptocracy that it is today, but that now even people like Lincoln Chafee who seem otherwise reasonable must be brought down in order to break the travesty that is today's Republican Party. This is not Eisenhower's party any more; the military-industrial complex he warned of has taken over.

As you say, there are many things to complain about with many Democrats, but I hope that the last 8 years have demonstrated to everyone how much of a difference there really is between the parties.

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

What I'd like to see is for the remaining old-style small-government conservatives to break off from the racist/theocrat/authoritarian wing, leaving it as a mostly regional rump party. The non-Dixiepublicans can form their own party or join the Democrats with the option to schism later. I would be in sharp disagreement with them about a lot of things, but I know I and other American quasi-leftists are not right about everything and they'd be useful to have around.

If the eventually resulting second major party is eventually called "the Republican Party" that's OK too; the Democrats themselves used to be in thrall to a faction of major dicks before 1964.

[hemlock-martini.livejournal.com]

I'll be running on the "Giant Robots Stomp Everything To Bits" party, but after a couple of months there'll be nothing left to stomp. I'll happily concede to you in a treaty ceremony that takes place on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Holy Crap Giant Robots Stomped Everything To Bits Except This Aircraft Carrier.

[saint-buddha.livejournal.com]

Try to convince me that it's good that we have this "If you ain't for us, you're agin us" mentality which drives people to vandalize private property and hate their neighbors.

Dude, I just got garbage thrown into my mailbox because I told my neighbors (online, of course) they were hypocrites for wanting to be a community full of hermits.

[pushupstairs.livejournal.com]

looks like there's gonna be competition, because I'm eligible in 2012 as well.

... by a whole month and a half, no less.

[cursethedark.livejournal.com]

I can't run in 2012, but I do plan on running for South Dakota's lone House seat.

My platform is: "I will not call you."

If people want to learn about my politics, they can come to me. We'll have a few commercials, a website, some posters, that kind of thing. I'll have my office of supporters, but unless you work for a restaurant that delivers, you will not get a call from that office. I promise to leave the voters the fuck alone during the campaign.

I'm pretty sure I'll win.

[spatch]

My platform is: "I will not call you."

Holy crap, that is the most brilliant campaign idea ever.













I will be stealing it.

[coffeebeanben.livejournal.com]

You should make me your secretary of the interior.

I'm not even kidding.

[some-kitten.livejournal.com]

Abbie/Brodie '08.

I would vote for Abbie the Cat.

[(Anonymous)]

He meets the age requirement; what would his platform be?

[gardenfey.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't be old enough in '08

Now I feel old.

[spatch]

If it's any consolation, I'll have missed it by only, uh, a year plus change.

[gardenfey.livejournal.com]

Eh? What's that, sonny?

:-)

[spatch]

NO THANKS, I'VE ALREADY HAD LUNCH.