(no subject)

[spatch]

Noah and I ransacked his DVR while waiting for Saturday Night Live over the weekend and found he'd recorded Disney's sudden smash hit, High School Musical. Knowing that Disney has indeed found itself a cash cow and are milking all the golden lactate they can from it while the goings-on of its cast (especially the racier goings-on) have found much exposure in the media recently, we decided to give it a look-see to find out what the fuss was all about.

We couldn't even get past the first musical number.

It wasn't that the song was terrible -- it was, mind you -- but the entire thing was so completely contrived that it was quite embarassing to watch. For those who have not heard of this prepubescent phenomenon, Disney's "Disney's High School Musical" is the Disney made-for-TV musical by Disney about a high school musical. You're welcome.

Okay, it features more than that. It features a jock boy and a bookish nerd girl who discover they sing pretty darn well so they audition for their high school musical, running afoul of the two prima donnas who always play the leads, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Will amazing pop singing and slick dance moves beat out the old established guard and -- more importantly -- will the jock boy and bookish nerd girl fall in love, or at least engage in some furtive makeouts during the cast party?

I'm not laying odds on this one. But hey, it's for the kids, the younguns, the hormonal ones who really do believe that furtive making out at cast parties = TLA (IDST). It doesn't mean, however, that the thing has to absolutely stun grown-ups with its illogic, shoddy exposition and crummy plot.

So here we go, firing up the DVR. The show opened with a title card that read CONTRIVANCE #1. No, wait, I'm pretty sure that was a Warhol film. The show opened on a shot of some kind of winter lodge with the title NEW YEARS [sic] EVE. We pan past a party of teenagers who sure look like they're having fun dancing around to no music as that'll be added in post. Then it's time to Introduce The Characters and their Single Specific Character Traits. The dialogue here is almost lifted verbatim:

(INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT)

BOOKISH GIRL'S MOM: Bookish Girl! Put down that book! There's a New Year's Party tonight!

BOOKISH GIRL, WHO DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE A BOOKISH GIRL: Aw, Mom, it's just getting to the best part!

BOOKISH GIRL'S MOM: I don't care, you can read it later. Now go on down to that New Year's party!

(BOOKISH GIRL leaves. CUT TO:)

(INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT)

JOCK'S MOM: Jock Boy! Put down that basketball! There's a New Year's Party tonight!

JOCK BOY: Aw, Mom, I gotta practice! I gotta beat that rival team in the game!

JOCK'S MOM: I don't care, you can practice later. Now go on down to that New Year's party!

(JOCK BOY leaves. CUT TO:)

(INT. PARTY - NIGHT)

ANNOYING ANNOUNCER: Okay, who's next to get up and sing karaoke? Since this is the Contrivance Ski Resort, we're just going to sweep these spotlights around the crowd and hit two random kids.

(TWO SPOTLIGHTS sweep through the crowd and eventually light up JOCK BOY and BOOKISH GIRL, who are currently being LONERS in the crowd. BOOKISH GIRL has even brought along her BOOK.)

ANNOYING ANNOUNCER: Looks like we've got our next two contestants! Come on up and sing this song arbitrarily picked for you!

(The music starts and the JOCK BOY begins to sing, then BOOKISH GIRL joins in. It's a duet, a sappy love duet using such lyrics "the first time I met you" and "I knew it would last forever" and other such tripe. Get it? Because it's the FIRST TIME THEY MET and it's TOTALLY GONNA LAST FOREVER? Sweet Christ, "Summer Lovin" this ain't. But boy can they sing cold, and in perfect harmony with each other, and they didn't even have to stick their fingers in their ears or nothing to get the pitch. WOW!!)

NOAH: So this is what the kids are into these days?

SPATCH: Looks like it.

NOAH: I can't watch this.

SPATCH: Neither can I. Guess it's just not for us.

NOAH: Nope.

SPATCH: Let's watching something more in tune with our demographic.

(NOAH reaches for the remote and brings up the Family Guy Star Wars special, with several episodes of Robot Chicken afterwards. There's some irony in there, I'm sure.)

Comments

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

You have no idea. Between two community theatres, the touring production, and I don't know how many high schools, there are at least six different venues in which to miss the show in Memphis alone.

Although, in the "things that are wrong" category, nothing I've seen recently tops the concept of Avenue Q: School Edition, featuring songs like "The Internet is For Porn MySpace."

[spatch]

NO.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

"...and I can't wait to eat her pussypizza again!"

[spatch]

You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're hanging out!



oh god, this bowlderization is easier than it needs to be.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

Avenue Q: School Edition, featuring songs like "The Internet is For Porn MySpace."

Seriously? I was going to comment that your Disneyland ride comment cracked me up, but now I'm rendered speechless.

Actually, that's not true. I've seen the many "Junior" versions of traditional musicals (Annie, The Music Man, etc.) go by, but that's just pushing it too far.

As I said below, Disney is very good at what it does, and High School Musical was a brilliant money-making strategy, but it could have been so much more. Like, throw the people paying for it a bone--the parents have to sit through this crap, too!

[spatch]

Wait. Annie and The Music Man are both pretty clean-cut as far as musicals go, right? What could possibly be expunged from either, unless you're talking about truncated-for-time Junior versions? Well, Annie's got that depressing "Thank you, Herbert Hoover" song which can be quite easily cut, but while I can see the musicals being cut for time, I certainly can't fathom what might be cut out for content.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

Shapoopi!

[byrneout.livejournal.com]

Well, don't forget the paean to the 'Sadder But Wiser Girl.' And I dunno what a Sh'poopie is, but if Buddy Hackett was singing about it it's probably filthy as sin.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think they're truncated for time--down to about 70 minutes. I've not actually seen any of the productions; my little brother works as an Assistant Director at our local community theater summer camps, so he's more familiar with the content than I.

There are a bunch of titles available, though, some more G-rated than others.

As for the HSM: On Ice, mentioned below, I'm not surprised, but I'm ignoring the comment and hoping it will go away.

[spatch]

I'm glad I didn't see Avenue Q Jr. on that list. The thing that gets me is that Avenue Q is pretty much Sesame Street For Grown-Ups. Here's the Big Cruel World ahead of you, twentysomethings, but here are some songs and lessons for it! Turning that into a kid-friendly production is self-defeating. ("I wish I could go back to eighth grade...")

Wow.

And would kids today know who Gary Coleman is, anyway? Shee. :)

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't be so hasty in my relief, if I were you.

[greenlily.livejournal.com]

There's a cleaned-up version of Grease out there, with suggested variations in the script if the cleaned-up version is still too risque. Which, btw, it could not possibly be.

[davidglasser.livejournal.com]

You know there's an "Into the Wood Junior", right? Without the second act?

I only wish this was a joke.

[davidglasser.livejournal.com]

(Er, Woods, although maybe I will start referring to this version as "Into the Wood".)

[spwebdesign.livejournal.com]

"Into the Wood" can be found in the curtained back room at Blockbuster. It stars Cyndi Wood and her polished walnut "companion."

[zrblm.livejournal.com]

Worse than "Götterdämmerung for Kids"?

[spatch]

Back around 1993 I wrote a monologue involving a principal introducing an elementary school performance, thanking all the parents for their help and refreshments and the art teacher for the "lovely scenery", et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The joke -- the entire joke -- was that he was introducing the 5th and 6th graders' performance of Peer Gynt.

Yeah, that was the entire joke.
Suffice to say the monologue was never used.
It would've made a dandy alt.stupidity post, though.