trouble ahead, trouble behind

[spatch]

Last night I watched the first episode of Crowned, the mother-daughter beauty pageant "reality" competiton program on Tha See-Dubya, which has replaced Beauty and the Geek now that gee_tar's season is over.

In case you didn't see Crowned and/or don't care to, I can easily bring the experience to you in, like, words and stuff.

Imagine you're watching footage of two steam locomotives smashing into each other head-on at full speed, only you're watching it in slow-motion so you get to see every crumple of metal, every piece of debris fly off, every last bit of the carnage gruesomely displayed in full, unblinking, high-definition widescreen.

Now rewind the footage and watch it another seventy-three times.

Congratulations, you've just seen an episode of Crowned. Now you can go outside and do something productive with your life, like trying to contract rabies from neighborhood strays.



Show highlight, if you can call it that: The mother-daughter teams were challenged in the opening episode to come up with a name and loosely-based theme. Challenge was right. One team named themselves "The Blonde Bombshells" because they thought it'd make them sound intelligent and, as they explained, "the blondes invented the bombshell"; another team named themselves "Skin Deep", unaware of the full meaning of the term, because they thought it'd make themselves sound deep. I can't make this stuff up, folks.

And one team, for reasons I'm still trying to fathom, inexplicably named themselves "Silent But Deadly" and didn't understand the meaning of the term until The Guy From Queer Eye, who I don't think has a name except for "The Guy From Queer Eye", explained it to them. The only way I can sum this all up is to quote Futurama. I've seen it; I can't unsee it. Not even Lacuna, Inc. could help me now.

Comments

[resk.livejournal.com]

d00d, you're SO watching it again next week. You know you are.

[spatch]

Hell, the next episode is on tonight; of course I am. And in this one, the ladies pick out swimsuits!

Somewhere Aaron Spelling is smacking his liver-spotted forehead (thanks, Crow) and bemoaning the fact that he died too soon.

[betweenstations.livejournal.com]

Do you miss the brain cells you lost?

[spatch]

What brain cells?

[lediva.livejournal.com]

How about the "Tomboys" team? How'd they do?

I caught a promo while I was at my parents the other week that made a big point of "Hey! This pair's local!" so... yeah. Curiosity and whatnot.

[spatch]

They did okay; they dressed in camos and introduced themselves to the judges in hideous rhyme (as most of the teams did; it is most likely the producers suggested teams write a poem instead of outright demanding it). However, since they were neither very very good nor very very horrible, they sat in the mediocre pile with the rest of the teams after the introduction-making while the judges focused went on the best and the worst.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

This post made me have to go look at the show's website. Carson from Queer Eye shouldn't have clued the Silent But Deadly idiots in about their gaff. It would have made a great running snark.

[k-sui.livejournal.com]

they explained, "the blondes invented the bombshell"

I don't get it.

[spatch]

"Dad, I can understand you gluing the silverware to the ceiling, but why the dog?"

"You understand the silverware on the ceiling? Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

[mom-o-cass.livejournal.com]

oooh - mindless drivel is exactly what i need right now :) thanks Derspatchel!

[http://users.livejournal.com/urban_faerie_/]

Oh man, I saw that last night. I don't know why I subject myself to watching such things. Partially it is because I don't get the good shows on cable and I need something in the backround while I'm crafting... the other part is that I can't look away from it and the uber-snotty Cambridge person in me can't STAAAAND that I have that side!

But OMGZ did u see part where the one team had to cut the sashes off another team!? OMG PWNED! You just can't write that kind of TV drama, pplz!

[spatch]

The sash-cutting was SO SURPRISING!
You could just hear the chorus of OH SNAP echoing up and down the houses of America (as well as up and down the heads of the ladies on stage) when they pulled the DRAMATIC REVERSAL.

[bismuthobsidian.livejournal.com]

In a similar vein...will Flava Flav ever find love???

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait... are you sure it was Crowned and not America's Most Smartest Model? Because that steam locomotive thing sounds a lot like America's Most Smartest Model, for sure.

[redtheblue.livejournal.com]

Dude. Why.

[loree-borealis.livejournal.com]

Yeah, good thing he clued them in. The correct phrase is Silent But Violent. Jeez. Everybody knows that.

[dskasak.livejournal.com]

Yep, no way to unsee that...whateveresque thing (no offense to Mr. Scalzi). And to think I miss all of this kwality programming by working a 2-11pm shift.

[pecosy.livejournal.com]

I'm bummed that my pending offspring will force me to move from our cool big house with roommates into a smaller and more expensive yet practical living arrangement. But I'm so excited to not have a TV, because for all my lofty ideals I can't resist the sweet allure of trashy programming.