Melted Cheese Balls for charity

[spatch]

Some of you might remember a while ago when my mom showed me a recipe I'd written when I was five years old for a delicacy called "Melted Cheese Balls". In case you forgot or never heard of it, here is the recipe for your perusal. A transcription is below.

MELTED CHEESE BALLS

1 teaspoon vanilla
3 slices cheese
1 stick of butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup flour

Heat oven 350°
Bake so cheese melts.

Serves: 4+1

I included the vanilla because when we made cookies, every recipe called for vanilla. So naturally it's a must in every situation.

I recently posted this in a Something Awful forums thread about unfortunate culinary moments, which is mostly concerned with boggling at the hideous abominations that the likes of Paula Deen, Sandra Lee, Simply Sara and those two crazy sisters in Texas have concocted in their feverish imaginations. Surely a five-year-old could do the same, and apparently he did.

I should mention we never did try to make the Melted Cheese Balls, which probably was a good thing in hindsight. However, after posting in the culinary thread, someone replied and said he was planning on actually trying the recipe and would put the results up on YouTube. You cannot begin to imagine the simultaneous feelings of incredulous mirth and horrified foreboding that ran through me. Yes, I love it when puppets dance for my amusement, but good god! Surely he has so much to live for!

So I told him that if he makes the recipe and it turns out to be vaguely edible and he can manage to eat some without gagging, I'll donate $50 to the charity of his choice for the Japanese relief effort. There's a kind of a charity challenge thing going on in the forums as well, you see. Over $50,000 has been donated to the likes of the Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders and such. (Yes, the organizations won't earmark the donations specifically for Japan, but they need financial help just the same.)

One poster said he'd donate $50, up to $750, for each person who shaved their head for the cause and posted proof. As of last count he'd reached his limit and moved it up to $1000 so more people could join in. There's now a lot of bald folks on the forums, including a married couple. I am not made of such money but I'll help as much as I can and besides, this is much cheaper than paying for the fellow's emergency room visit. I'd already donated in the thread for a collective challenge, so I figured this'll be a fun extra game. And I'll donate even if the guy can't manage a bite because I have to admire him for trying.

I hope to see a YouTube link soon and you'll see it once I do.

Comments

[lbmango.livejournal.com]

For the record I think that that says to pre-heat the oven to 350, not heat over 350...

Also, the mechanics of mixing slices of cheese and sugar and flour is ... questionable...

ETA: Also, what does serves 4+1 mean? How does that differ from "serves 5"?

[spatch]

If I could bring me-at-5 around, I'm sure he could explain it all to you better than I could.

I think it's safe to say I had no idea what I was doing.
Damn, that'd make a good epitaph

[antikythera.livejournal.com]

I love that it doesn't say what you actually do with all those ingredients.

[antikythera.livejournal.com]

Also I think that last line says "Bake 50 cheese melts".

[spatch]

Scholars have pored over the document and determined the word in question is "so". 50 cheese melts would serve 4+1 if each one ate 9+1.

[zyrya]

I think it says "bake SOS heese melts" because it's clearly a hidden CRY FOR HELP.

[smacaski.livejournal.com]

Hmm, actually, if you melted the cheese beforehand and added it to the rest of the mix and then baked it... maybe increase the flour, too...

Oh, come on, like you've never modified a recipe as written to suit your own tastes. :P

They sound like they'd basically be cheesy Munchkins. I like the idea of cheesy Munchkins.

[eustaciavye.livejournal.com]

I thought something similar. if you cream the butter and sugar and vanilla together, crumble up the cheese into little bits and add it in, then mix with the flour, you'll get an approximation of shortbread cookie dough.

CHEESE SHORTBREAD.

[smacaski.livejournal.com]

I suppose it also depends on the kind of cheese one uses. A nice soft brie would probably create a much different consistency than a cheddar. I'm sure 5-year old derspatchel was thinking more along the lines of Kraft singles, but ooh, the experimentation fun that could be had!

[eustaciavye.livejournal.com]

I was actually assuming kraft singles :D

[spatch]

Yeah, I was definitely thinking of singles. I could bite one into the shape of Idaho!

[dimloep-suum.livejournal.com]

My sweetie was reading me some of the posts on SA of people offering to donate x amount if certain douchebag users got permabanned. With that, and a lot of the other culinary threads, I think I know what my birthday gift to myself is gonna be.

[cynicalgal.livejournal.com]

I am convinced that the recipe serves 441, not 4+1. Each of the 50 cheese melts serves approximately 8-9 people. Five year-olds typically plan for large parties, which is how I know this must be true.

[cheezdanish.livejournal.com]

Actually.

If you tossed in an egg and used sweet ricotta instead of....you know, yellow cheese. That could actually work. The sugar/flour ratio is way off, naturally, but still.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

when I was 5ish, my recipe was dark corn syrup, peanut butter, chocolate chips, all rolled in crushed corn flakes and served, hors d'oeuvre-like, on swizzle sticks, because I had an extensive collection of them (my parents used to make me happy by bringing them back from 70s tiki lounges when they went out).

when I was 5 I thought it would be AMAZING to have made a recipe. that just seemed like it was awesome.

Considering the mixology thing of the past year, I don't seem to think i've changed much in 35 years, which is heartening.

[atothek.livejournal.com]

I think there is something terribly, horribly wrong with me. Because this recipe sounds DELICIOUS.

[radiotelescope.livejournal.com]

I've *made* cheese shortbread. It used just a tablespoon of sugar instead of a full cup, and the cheese was eight ounces of good Parmesan microplane-grated, but the rest is as written.

[radiotelescope.livejournal.com]

(Sorry, four ounces of cheese. Forgot to halve it.)

[lno.livejournal.com]

I am so disappointed that the hand-scrawled "Robert" doesn't have a backwards e in it.

[spatch]

I don't remember having any problems with the way the letters faced, so I could not set up the typical kiddie L3MONADE ZTAND. I was a phonetic reader, though, which meant I said words like "epi-tome" and "guh-naw".

I'm wondering who taught me to write a 1 like that. I can't ever remember writing it with the bottom serif. In fact, I remember an early school lesson in horrible rhyme which went "Draw a line down and there! You're done! Isn't it easy to make a 1?"

A backwards C on a backwards C, that is how you make a 3.

[hradzka.livejournal.com]

I will equal your $50 for the cheese balls. Let me know the charity.

[eeka13.livejournal.com]

At around the same age I made a recipe card for banana jam. It involved one banana, a bowl, and "smash with a fork."

My mom got really pissed at me for using a recipe card.