HELLO I AM YOUR E-GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

[spatch]

HELLO SPATCH
(HELLO JORB WEBSITE)
HERE ARE JORBS FOR YUO
(OH AWESOME THX)

1. LOTTO MACHINE BALL PICKER-OUTER
2. HELICOPTER (NOT HELICOPTER PILOT, JUST HELICOPTER)
3. SALT SOMMELIER
4. ALPHABET RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT (WE NEED NEW INNOVATIONS ON THE LETTER "G")
5. BOMP IN THE BOMP-SHA-BOMP-SHA-BOMP PUTTER-INNER
(REQUIRES 2 YEARS OF RAM IN THE RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG PUTTING-IN OR EQUIVALENT EXPERIENCE)
6. AUTHOR, THE BOOK OF LOVE
7. JEEP WRANGLER
8. LOUD SHOUTY GUY ON A TRAFFIC ISLAND
9. BURL IVES IMPERSONATOR
10. LOUD SHOUTY BURL IVES IMPERSONATOR ON A TRAFFIC ISLAND
11. MOVIE THEATER SEAT KICKER
12. CAPS LOCK INVENTOR
13. GUY WHO WRITES A WEBSITE PROGRAM THAT TELLS PEOPLE WHAT THEIR JORBS SHOULD BE

THANK YUO FOR USEING OUR FINE PROGRAM TODAY
HAVE A GOOD CAREER
(NO, YOU HAVE A GOOD CAREER)

Comments

[kpht.livejournal.com]

Effing brilliant, as always.

[misquoted.livejournal.com]

This bud's for you. You are the Original Real Man Of Genius.

[cheezdanish.livejournal.com]

Oh baby you knoooooow what I like!

[markm.livejournal.com]

ha ha "jeep wrangler". Awesome

[spatch]

There's a lot of free-roaming jeeps out there, man! Someone's gotta keep 'em all together!

[resk.livejournal.com]

THIS HEP YUO FIND G JORBZ.

[spatch]

I WOULD LIKE TO WORK AT GET NICE HOLDINGS
GETTING NICE HOLDINGS IS ALWAYS NICE!

[scout1222.livejournal.com]

So wait, should I disregard the #2 Professional Athlete? I mean, I was ready to quit my job and try out for the Chargers.

[allicat42.livejournal.com]

I hear the Atlanta Hawks are always scouting.... can't understand WHY. (Go Celtics!!!! oh. wait.)

The Falcons might need a new quarterback.
And the Patriots have an open position or two...

[maga-dogg.livejournal.com]

You win.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

5. BOMP IN THE BOMP-SHA-BOMP-SHA-BOMP PUTTER-INNER
(REQUIRES 2 YEARS OF RAM IN THE RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG PUTTING-IN OR EQUIVALENT EXPERIENCE)

I'd like to shake your hand!

[stealth-cat.livejournal.com]

LOL! I just made that my status message!

[spatch]

You're welcome for your baby falling in love with you.

[moongoddess47.livejournal.com]

Me too. really. Brilliant

[beth47.livejournal.com]

me too, me too!

(i would like to shake his hand! and other things!)

(also? i've been wanting to subscribe to his newsletter, and now i want to subscribe to yours.)

(bwahahaha HAHAHA. also? HAHAHAHAHAHA.)

[redtheblue.livejournal.com]

It shows up in lists like that now, but loud shouty Burl Ives impersonator on a traffic island is one of the top growth industries in the nation.

[spatch]

Indeed it is. I mean, when you come down to it, which would you rather hear while stuck at a red light:

"HEY MISTER I'LL SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDSHIELD FOR A QUARTER"

or

"I'M A LITTLE WHITE DUCK SITTING IN THE WATER, A LITTLE WHITE DUCK, DOING WHAT I OUGHTER"

[gismonda.livejournal.com]

Hey, LITTLE WHITE DUCK is on MY career list.

[sdn.livejournal.com]

i love you. will you marry me?

[spatch]

Okay! But I think MARRIER was a little bit lower on that list!

[sdn.livejournal.com]

how about SHOUTY MARRIER?

hee.

[pirogoeth.livejournal.com]

11. MOVIE THEATER SEAT KICKER

I knew it!!! I knew people were paid to do that!! :O

[28bytes.livejournal.com]

I believe it's an apprenticeship-type thing. For every professional seat-kicker there are dozens of unpaid novice seat-kickers in training.

[spatch]

The real problem is they get paid in tips, and there's not a lot of tippers out there.

[allicat42.livejournal.com]

so, what you're saying is you could make a lot of money as a moyle?

[susskins.livejournal.com]

Zing!

[gwynethfar.livejournal.com]

5. BOMP IN THE BOMP-SHA-BOMP-SHA-BOMP PUTTER-INNER
(REQUIRES 2 YEARS OF RAM IN THE RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG PUTTING-IN OR EQUIVALENT EXPERIENCE)

Seriously, I don't think I've laughed this hard in a WHILE. Great jorb.

[amandaruth2001.livejournal.com]

Genius on top of more genius. Thank you!

[annilita.livejournal.com]

He is quite a funny feller.

[modpixie.livejournal.com]

you know, i'd pay to see you take over "lottery live". (i can just see you in one of dawn whatsername's dresses. WHAT?)

[spatch]

I've always harbored a secret desire to be the person who draws the lottery numbers every night. Seriously. Those little machines that blew the ping-pong balls around fascinated me as a kid. The little spinning wheels that eventually slowed down, not so much.

But my god! The ping-pong blowing thing with the little vacuum shunnnnk! sound and the bizarre holder that let you rotate the ball around so the camera got a good view of the number, YES! Please let me use that on TV, television people! I promise I won't read the numbers wrong!!

Hell, I'd settle for one at home!

[atothek.livejournal.com]

And for this evening's salt selection we have sea, iodized, kosher, Hawaiian, pretzel and margarita.

[zrblm.livejournal.com]

I'll have the '76 Minneapolis road salt please. Coarsely ground.

[antikythera.livejournal.com]

I want to be a helicopter when I grow up.

[suzepie.livejournal.com]

I took that damn thing and it wanted me to be a Funeral Director. WHAT.

And I concur with the other comments on your brilliancy, etc. Why the hell aren't you writing for McSweeney's? SRSLY.

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

Dude, Funeral Director is actually a frikkin sweet job. Surprisingly difficult field to get into though...

The above-which had little or nothing to do with anything, thank-u-very-much-k-thx-bye.

[dskasak.livejournal.com]

Jorbs? Is Coach Z designing career counseling websites now?

[kissoflife.livejournal.com]

*is ded. gut bustedd. srsly.*

[annilita.livejournal.com]

I just peed myself a little after reading #8. Oh, the lulz!

[zhym.livejournal.com]

Note to self: never read Spatch's LiveJournal while in a meeting at work. Everyone else will wonder why you're laughing when everyone else is cranky.

[ilovehpl.livejournal.com]

I could use a good salt sommelier. I always get it wrong.

[lakilika.livejournal.com]

You are magnificent.

[reveritas.livejournal.com]

if you're the author of the book of love, i'm the editor, and you're kind of repeating yourself with that "who" theme, see what i mean. i think it would make a little more sense if you just cut it down to two "who"s.

i'd mark it with a red pen but some fucker in the movie theater kicked it out of my hand.

[arielblue.livejournal.com]

You frogot SPATCHY-IST SPATCH EVAR.

O wait, that jorb is filled.

[alphacygni]

At the farmer's market in Kendall today, there was a stand selling nothing but gourmet salt blends.

ESTRANGERTHANFICTION

[morgaine723.livejournal.com]

I luff you Mr Spatch!

[cerulgalactus.livejournal.com]

Alas and alak, you have too many correctly spelled words to be truly funny. But good luck in your loud, shouty career.

[wahhappen.livejournal.com]

That's it. I'm moving to Boston.