Spatch's Rule of Online Reviews

[spatch]

IF, AT ANY TIME during an online review, the writer uses the phrase "To those people, I just want to say..." then you can safely stop reading the review without fear of actually running into something useful or constructive.

Comments

This applies when listening to anyone speak, as well . . .

[resk.livejournal.com]

"It's a little something I like to call _______________."

Fill in an important term, like: The Constitution.

Re: This applies when listening to anyone speak, as well . . .

[spatch]

Oh, and any "true" story that uses "Let's call them Bob and Janet because those are their names" is probably not worth reading, either.

Re: This applies when listening to anyone speak, as well . . .

[granuaile.livejournal.com]

WOOP WOOP WOOP E/N ALERT

Re: This applies when listening to anyone speak, as well . . .

[spatch]

SO I JUST DISCOVERED MY GIRLFRIEND... HAY INTERNET LOOK WHAT I DID THERE I SAID I HAD A GIRLFRIEND DID YOU KNOW I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND I DO YES INDEED AND I DO HER ALL THE TIME AND YOU DON'T

[cursethedark.livejournal.com]

I wrote about half a movie review once, and I think it contained that line. But that was at the end, so you'd already read through the good stuff at that point.

"The good stuff" consisting of one joke: "Johnny Knoxville, semi-professional stuntman and arch nemesis of Charles Darwin..."

[resk.livejournal.com]

"The good stuff" consisting of one joke: "Johnny Knoxville, semi-professional stuntman and arch nemesis of Charles Darwin..."

To those people, who don't think that's a good joke, I just want to say, "Tara Reid: World Renowned Archeeologist."

[byrneout.livejournal.com]

"Am I the only one who...?"

It's a lead-pipe cinch that whatever follows will contain not an iota of original thought, humor or insight -- and that would be fine, almost, if the author weren't so damnably proud of his own cleverness. I get angry when friends use this conceit, because I don't like what it says about my judgement of character.

Not completely on topic, but

[resk.livejournal.com]

It drives me nuts when I'm walking past someone with my take-out lunch and they say, "Ooooh! What'd you get me for lunch?!?"

I've taken to telling them what I've gotten them for lunch, and then attempting -- always in vain -- to give it to them.

It's a terrible, stupid "joke." Stop telling it, and I'll stop offering you my friggin' lunch, lady.

Re: Not completely on topic, but

[spatch]

That's about on par with the ol' supermarket chestnut "My item didn't scan? Then it must be free!"

As one who worked the cashier trenches for a while, I can tell you that one got old the second time I heard it.

Re: Not completely on topic, but

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

The one I hate at convenience stores is "Do you want a small bag?"

NO MOFO I WANT AN ENORMOUS GIGANTIC COLOSSAL WORLD'S-RECORD-BREAKINGLY HUGE BAG BECAUSE THE 18 ITEMS I JUST BOUGHT HAVE NO POSSIBLE CHANCE OF FITTING INTO YOUR STUPID SMALL BAG

Re: Not completely on topic, but

[spatch]

Maybe they're trying to deal you drugs on the side!

Re: Not completely on topic, but

[ron_newman]

I thought the alternative to "a small bag" is "no bag", and that's what I often choose.

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

If the first word in an essay is "Webster's" you can stop reading immediately.

[pushupstairs.livejournal.com]

unless the next sentence begins with "George Papadopolis", in which case you must read the complete document.

[spatch]

C:\TRU.DAT

[pushupstairs.livejournal.com]

victory be thine.